Now, Sundays are much different. In Austin, my Sunday consists of waking up earlier than I do to go to work in order to get ready and pick up Josh to make it downtown by 8:30 or 9. Usually we get a little treat and stop at Starbucks for coffee :) Being a part of the set up crew at church for the last couple of months has been a blessing. Sometimes I Don't always stick around, and I just wander around the downtown area of Austin and spend some quite time overlooking Town Lake with the Lord. Today it was so clear to me that I was right where I was supposed to be. My relationships with people at church have gone so much deeper than surface level and I feel such a sense of friendship and belonging. This was the first Sunday I had gone to church on my own with out Josh and it didn't even cross my mind to not go. It is just as my the church I go to as it is the church Josh goes to. I loved it. I was able to kind of share with the church today what God has been doing in my life and how God is revealing himself to me, even in the midst of a really deep inner struggle. There is something about saying out loud to people what you have been going through that makes it more real and valid. It also helps to say things like that out loud to people and confess what it is that is going on in order to actually accept the outcome and move FORWARD!!! YAY!! One thing that took me by surprise today was when I picked up Joshua from the airport. God has shown me so much grace and mercy always, and everyday I was choosing to tell God that "I TRUST YOU" or "I know this is out of my control- God PLEASE walk with me through this." There is something about my relationship with Josh that makes me want to take control again. I was reminded today, when Josh got in the car, that this relationship is NOT mine. I am not the one who created myself or Josh, and I am not the one who knows where our lives will end up. I could feel it all up in my chest that I was trying to not only take control back from God about Josh, but mentally I was already freaking out. WHAAT!! Not long after, I was able to remind myself that "I am HIS (God's) and He is MINE." Meaning- I can't control life, and the minute I try to take that control back from the one who controls the Thunderstorms, the oceans and all of the worlds shooting stars :)-- I start to fall to pieces. One verse that is SO amazing when thinking about being near or far to the Lord is in Romans 8
" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus." ( vs 38).
Awesome. We can try and control anything we want. I have yet to succeed at being in control ANY part of my life. The great part is, God still loves us. There is NOTHING we can do that would make him love us less. Thats why it is so cool that when I tried to take that control back from Jesus today, I was reminded that it won't work- God loves me enough to remind me that our only answer, our only hope- is to let GO and let GOD be in control.
I so don't deserve that kind of Love... I better not let it go to waste.