Sunday, December 19, 2010

Everything changes.

Right now, my gold retriever, Lexus is lazily panting on the floor, my sweet baby nephew Braylon is innocently snoring in his pack-and-play he sleeps in at my mom's house, right next to me. I can hear my brother's TV in the room next to me and my door is shut so the light in my room doesn't keep my mom awake across the hall, she has to be up for work. My sister is at home with her husband, sleeping because she too has to work in the morning. My dad is in Tennessee, trying hard to make it home as soon as possible tomorrow. Josh is with his family- joyfully playing Wii with his sister and best friend. Peace- be still.

As I sit here in this bed... and look around me... tears fill my eyes. I've struggled so much with this idea of change. With the fracture that has been placed where my family once was. The idea and virtue of patience is a rather simple one for me, I can wait. Change on the other hand, it terrifies me. It terrifies me so much, that I have been failing to let it happen. I have failed to allow time to do what it does; to shape me, to grow me and to most importantly age me with life. When I was a teenager (not SO long ago) I always wanted to be older. I never understood why people freaked out when they turned 28 or 43. I just though it would be cool to be older. As I continue to get older, I don't necessary have that young naive mindset. I know that getting older, inevitably means change. I change, the people I love change, my family changes, even my dogs change. Easily, I can get stuck here. I can get stuck in this sad place of what was, and what I miss. I can hang on and grip so tightly to the memories that haunt me, the good memories that bring me only tears. I dread the days to come, because I fear that something will be wrong and someone will be hurting, dying or walking the wrong road. I always hear people say, "The only thing that never changes in this life is the fact that everything will keep changing." Huh. So if this is true, which I believe it is, that means if I fight continue fighting this idea of change in my life I will forever be in turmoil, in angst over something that I have absolutely no control over. It's freeing kind of, when I think of it that way.

God designed me to trust him, to praise him, and to obey what his word says. Do I question this? Yes, with the most immature and unknowing mind, and the most yearning heart. There is power in "The Blood"- Freedom in "The Blood." When I think of the current placing of my family at this very moment, it overwhelms me. How are we here? How did it all happen so fast? How does "The Blood" makes us free- how does our little crazy, loud and hysterical family fit into the family of God when we are just messed up sinners, trying to feel something in this life. In this moment, I know deep in my soul that there is a God- the Only God- who made us each so different and unique that we fit together perfectly. That because we are crazy messed up sinners, we are like all of the others in the family of God. Imperfect, undeserving, unworthy- yet LOVED. I don't know how many years ago Jesus was born, or if it was in October or December that he was laid down into a manger with animals all around him. All that I know- and all that I believe is that he was- and he did. He was born- he did in fact live a life of perfection because we are sinners, undeserving- yet hungry for what this Christmas season represents. Christ being born, to come into the world so that our sins could be washed away by The Blood. That's how we fit it, that's how I belong to Jesus.

I don't like change, and I'll avoid it and fight it at all costs. God reminds me that through change and through the darkness, his Glory is here in it and the light on the other side of the dark night is so sweet... The small reminder of this precious baby sleeping next to me, or my little brother punching me so hard in the arm I felt like we were kids again because I was so mad at him--- making Christmas cookies with my mom and sister again. Even though change has stolen some of my most fondest memories, God is making all things new in this family, and in my life. I will praise him with a thankful heart for bringing me this far.

Merry Christmas. Emily.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Let me re-phrase that.

So, like I said last night- normal is a word that I am trying to delete from my vocabulary. I'm reading another book- I have just gotten into it, but I've wanted to read it for a long time. It is called, "Cold Tangerines," by Shauna Niequist. This book is " about celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life." I think with the hustle and bustle of working and studying and kids and dinner and every other thing that goes on, we start to not appreciate and enjoy the things that keep us so busy. I really hope to find that in this book, the encouragement one needs to enjoy and appreciate the things that happen each day. Instead of living in yesterday or for tomorrow- I want to live right now. I want to handle every situation with grace, and a smile...

I didn't mean for my last blog to be a sob fest, and make anyone who read it think that I've had it and I'm done. Not the case. Every day is a different adventure. Everyday, God gives me grace, and I either choose to accept it or I pick back up what I laid down at his feet the night before and in those days I find myself lost. Being able to lay it all down and leave it there is a talent, I have yet to acquire.

Saturday we leave for Michigan! I'm so excited to go home. It's been almost three months! Holy smokes. I can't believe it. I feel like Grant will be 3 feet taller and Braylon is going to be talking. Where does the time go? Another reminder that God gave us life, to love him, love people- and enjoy the blessings he has given us. I think the spirit of Gratitude can get us a long way.

Thanks for playing!

Monday, December 13, 2010


A question I frequently ask Josh is, "when am I going to just feel normal again." He is always quick to reply, " when you stop trying to define what normal means."

In one week, I will be back in the place where I was a year ago. Back in the place where I packed everything I had, stuffed it in the Alero that I still drive, and hit the road to Texas. I can't believe a year has gone by. I find myself still waiting to feel normal, or waiting to feel like I thought I was going to feel by now. Waiting to be that person I thought I was going to be by now. Here's the thing- that person is me. It's whoever I am right now. It's the person who is writing this, who is sitting here with a ton of bricks on her chest for no real reason, the person who stubbed her toe on the footstool in the living room and found herself laying on the floor sobbing because not only did my toe hurt... but I still don't feel normal.

It's frightening thing... growing up. It was so much easier when I could at least pretend like I had it all together. When my dreams were all laid out in front of me, the ones I never thought would get here and now they are here. I don't think it's coincidence that each night the devotional book I read is referring to hard time, talking about being in a weird dark place, or talking about struggling. Today it said, " don't give up," "don't be afraid." Those are words I needed to hear. Wherever you are on this journey, whether it's super awesome, or super hard... just don't give up. Some days I want to...most days, as a matter of fact, it would be easier it seems. Here is something I can't understand, but know to be true. God's "plan" isn't just for our lives individually- it's for a whole universe. I honestly don't even know what that means, but it is a lot more than just my life. Rest in the fact that the plan goes beyond your lifetime, and beyond my lifetime. I just pray that my role is significant, and that God will tell me well done.

Rest in the Peace of the Holy Spirit tonight--- I'll try.