You're ok.

psalms 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

If you read this- I hope you are encouraged. I feel as though many of my friends and family, myself included, are in the midst of troubled times. This verse has been my glue- the words, inspired by God, to hold me together. I'm often presented with the idea that we as human beings "can't do this anymore." Awesome, but not true. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. You can't wake up another day, to face another hard miserable day? You can. The relationship that Christ wants to have with you is an intimate one. Every morning- ask God for his hand in the day. Knowing that we don't have to rely only on ourselves for anything is something hard to grasp. It's cool though, because if you let it happen and you trust in the word of the Lord, the hard times will still be there... but your holding the hand of Jesus this time- and you're ok.

Job 23:10

"He knows the way that I take, when He has tested me, I will come out like Gold."

It's a good thing that God see's us through our storms. Sometimes I forget. More recently I have just not been able to understand. With a lack of understanding comes a lack of control- and I really hate that. Who doesn't though, right? After living in Texas for about 6.5 months, I think God is totally making me new, and allowing me to see life from a different set of eyes. I've realized more in the last month or two than I have probably in my whole life. It's almost like I've had a mid-life/quarter life crisis and epiphany all at the same time. I'm at a place where God is doing awesome things, and performing miracles in my life daily- but I have felt to consumed with reality and fear to notice. I have been praying to God for help and for comfort, when all along I just had to believe. I think I was/am having a difficult time with that because I don't understand. Faith- believing in what you do not see- in what you do not understand. God did not ask me to understand. He asked me to have faith. Sometimes, I feel as though my fear and anxiety literally takes over my life. The point that it got to recently, really showed me how much I rely on myself and other people way to much- and I don't rely on God nearly enough. Talking with Mary last night, we both came to the conclusion that it was almost like God was saying, " You say that you believe in me and that you believe in what I can do- but do you really?" Ouch. I just moved out of my apartment that I was living in by myself, in with one of my close friends here in Austin, Mary. It has honestly been such a blessing, even in the 3 days i've been here. God knew that I needed to live with someone, and he provided a girl take over my lease within a matter of minutes of my asking. Amazing. The move was smooth, and although I am not unpacked, I feel great about being here. It is hard when you go from having 6 roommates to 0. Even in the storms, and the confusion, God has provided for me. Mary has said numerous times that the one thing getting her through lifes storm right now is the ways that "God has shown up- in big and small ways." She is dead on. As I am getting a bit older now, God is teaching me about myself and about who I am moving forward. God is teaching me who He really is- and although it's going to be beautiful- it's not easy. Psalm 121- I life my eyes to the hills- my help comes from the Lord.

It's been so long...

I feel like it has been forever since I last wrote my thoughts down in the form of a blog. Sorry. Why is it that when you feel like you are on the right track, you get knocked down again? I think everyone has experienced that a time or two.

Lately, I have just been out of it! I was kind of sick over the weekend, headache, stomach hurts, cold, little fever maybe? Just out of it. The weekend was so busy, I barely remember it. Lets see.. there was, a wedding, the pool, a reception, some UFC, fireworks, church, dinner, drinks, friends... lots of stuff. Needless to say, I was on the same page as the rest of the world when I had to go back to work today.

So like I said a while ago, I've been wrestling with some anxiety issues and just basic growing pains. I find myself often wondering how I got to the place where I am. When I grew up, when I didn't live at home anymore, when I was done with high school, and now college. It just all happened so fast! I guess what I have been learning more than anything, is that sometimes nothing makes sense. Even though it seems like it should- it just doesn't. I see so much tragedy and brokenness around me, everywhere I go, we all do. None of it makes sense, but that doesn't take God off of His throne. It is not comforting to know that life is always going to change, something is always going to go wrong and something will always be hard. The comfort that we must run after is the promise God gave us. Why is this so hard for me to hang onto? Through all of these emotions that have been surfacing recently, that is what God is teaching me. To hang onto Him- even when I can't see him, I don't feel him, I can't hear him. He's real, and saving my life daily.

It still doesn't make sense, but knowing that God knows my life and whats ahead is all that I should need anyways. So I'm going with it, with all of my heart. "Trust in the Lord with All of your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr