Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Rest In Peace Uncle Mart.

I will probably have tears that run straight from my eyes, all the way down my face and then eventually all over my neck after I finish writing this. Sunday February 20, 2011- my great Uncle Marty moved on from this world. He had a stroke, much like the one my grandfather suffered from in 2008. Unfortunately... he didn't make it and it was his time to go. Even as I write those words, I can't help but not get it. Death, that is. I just don't. My prayer is that he is now on the golden shores, face to face with God. My mind can only make so much of it before it completely shuts down and I only see cartoon characters in place of what I was thinking about.

I was reading Cold Tangerines last night before bed, the author Shauna Niequist said this about death, " We can't stand in the way of death, but when it comes, we can stand in its face together, and celebrate life and celebrate family and celebrate having loved fiercely and expressively." Gosh, what a powerful statement. Death sends me into orbit, I mean it just does. I find myself getting overly anxious and almost sick at the though of someone close to me dying. I ask Josh all the time what I will do if he ever dies and I like have kids or something, like oh my goodness, I think I would just shatter to pieces. I think about my parents, they are still so young to me, but someday they too will have to go, and that though shuts me down to the ground. There is no need to even go any further with those thoughts because it just does bad things to my heart. I love though, the idea that death is a time to celebrate life and family. I wasn't able to make it home this week for Uncle Marts funeral. He wasn't my real uncle. He was my family though. I grew up with him, he was like a grandpa to me. My house was about a mile away from the farm that he and Nancy raised their family at, and their grandchildren. Lee is Marty's grandson. We are exactly 17 days apart and he's my brother, we grew up together, took baby baths together, held hands on our way to the first day of kinder garden, we were each others escorts to the Sophomore Sweetheart dance, and we've always been there for each other. It was hard for me not to be there to support my dear friend, and say goodbye to sweet Uncle Mart, but that's life I guess. What warms my heart though, is the report that the funeral home was overwhelmed with people. My mom said, " Emily, I think the whole town of Birch Run was there." Yes, Birch Run is a small town, but when Lee told me people were lined up out the door in a foot of snow and 30 degree weather to pay their respects to this man, I got a tear in my eye. That is really celebrating life, and celebrating relationships and family. Saying goodbye is never easy, but it is easier when people you love are surrounding you and saying good bye with you.

My family is all together right now, all at my sisters house. It kind of feels like something is stabbing me in the heart to know that Josh and I aren't there laughing with them and playing with braylon. I'm not sure why I didn't get to be there, God knew though that I couldn't go. I had a lot of peace once I finally made the decision not to make the trip for 24 hours. For the first time in a long time I knew I made the right decision and although it was really hard, and I really wanted to be there to say goodbye, it felt good to make a decision.

I've been reading a lot. Never enough, but a lot none the less. Almost everything I've been reading is on "hard times," "getting through the darkness," and "suffering." It's hard for me to see life in any other way at this point, just through the eyes of suffering and being completely out of control of anything. Wrong? Yeah... I think it probably is, but I without a doubt just think that is where God has me at- a very humble place of complete surrender. I can feel the hope though, deep down inside, the excitement is bubbling up and for the most part I'm very happy. I still though- am still- being taught what it means to suffer, and be humble and trust God. In an email I sent Josh tonight, I told him how important my family was to me. DUH. I also told him that I think for so long I've found comfort, security and validation in my family, my identity would lay completely in my family. Moving to Austin, starting my own life here and continuing in an amazing relationship here has opened my eyes to the fact that my identity and my comfort should lie in none other that the one who hears my prayers and calms my anxious heart. I wanted to be there this week, with my family, celebrating life and family and loving fiercely and expressively. God had other plans though, and trusting Him in that decision was kind of cool...

I'd give almost anything to go back to the days when I could hop on the four-wheeler with my brother and sister, have the dogs running with us and just head over to Uncle Marty's pond. He'd always be there, always with a smile and always happy to see you. Don't get me wrong, he was grumpy from time to time, but there wasn't a person who didn't love uncle mart. He helped create so many great memories in my child hood. I love you Uncle Marty!!! :'(

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I don't have a good title for this one?

So today started out kind of rough. My alarm clock rang at 6:00am. I have to be to work at 8, takes me a solid half hour to get there. I literally hit the snooze every 5 minutes until 7am. This is no joke. I mean that is just so stupid! Why not just get up instead of sleep in 5 minute increments. Long story short, I threw a braid in my hair and could not decide what to wear and ended up putting on these brown leggings and a brown dress- that absolutely did not match, with some camel colored flats for shoes. If I were authoring a fashion blog- I would clearly not have many followers because it was just embarrassing. Anyways, I got over that real quick when I walked into pure stress on the job. It seems like the last 2 weeks have been purely brutal. I always try to go into work with a good attitude. I never make it through the day with one though. I'm not bashing my job, or the company that I am employed by. I simply do not feel one ounce of joy or fulfillment in what I am doing. I think that is important when you spend the majority of your life at this thing called a job. For the moment, I am enduring and being encouraged to hang in there and glorify God while trying to make the best of a not so ideal situation. I am decent at what I do, I make a rookie mistake every now and then but for the most part it's not so tough- it's just stress. So, my prayer is that the Lord would sustain me here and help me to walk out each day with the power of the Holy Spirit and be grateful for the money and benefits I receive in turn for the job I do. I know we all struggle with finding that job that is just right for you- it's tough- to know what you want to do and how you want to spend the majority of your time. I guess I was just under the impression that I would get "the job" and as many of us who just graduated college find out... it's not that simple.

I did drive by this teeny tiny little hair salon while I was picking up dinner for Josh and I. I stopped and stared at it for a moment. Dreamed for a second. It was so cute and chic. I do hope the Lord allows me to be a business owner. I think the idea of having something to call your own, to put your heart and soul into, and to be so full of love for would be incredible. I'd really love that. I believe that everything that we do is to prepare us for something to come. I have no idea what my current job is preparing me for, but... man I'm going to be ready.

It was so nice today in TX I was dreaming about a nice long run all day long. I literally circled the outside of my building three times today just to get some fresh air. Once I was released from my desk...rrr... I got in my car and the minute I got home I put my new running shoes on! I felt great today. I ran for 20 minutes straight- the weather was perfect. The only thing that is kind of stinky is there are so many cars and people out it's hard to find peace like I'm used to while running. Hopefully Josh and I make it down to Town Lake to run soon by the water! On Sunday we run a 5K downtown, which will be our kickoff running event for the year! I'm really excited (for our free shirt ;)).

We had small group tonight. It was just 4 of us, and it was great. I felt like our discussion was very meaningful and we got to really dig deep into some pretty serious questions and ideas about God. It was cool. Robby and Crystal, Josh and I talked a lot of the sovereignty of God and human responsibility- how God sent Jesus to re-unite us (reconcile) with and to him. It's an awesome thing once you really understand it. This led to the discussion of the power of the Holy Spirit. We all want it and want to see it work, but are so comfortable in the "norm" that we don't trust in the Holy Spirits power to do so. I'm very encouraged to call upon the Holy Spirit and to really pray that God would use me and speak to me. I miss the setting where at any time, friends and I could just pray- just stop and pray over each other. My desire is to get back to that here- to be BOLD in the name of Jesus.

I think I'll start now by getting on my knees and praying.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

It's Time

I haven't blogged in so long. Hate it when that happens. So much is going on too.. well nothing really exciting, just stuff. I've been busy, it's been good and bad.

I've been really consumed with wanting to be in prayer more, wanting to literally be on my knees crying out and pleading to God for so many people... so many things.

It's time. Time for life to continue. It's time for this last year of fear, anxiety and angst to be done. I'm over it, and I'm no longer willing to refuse to trust in Jesus. I don't get so much about God, about Jesus about what the Gospel REALLY means, about how the bible was formed and the clarity of scripture. I don't understand why suffering equals love and why death is inevitable, only so we will know Him more and live forever in eternity with God.

Wow. So much I don't understand. I won't leave it at that- no, I will keep seeking, keep reading, keep pursuing. But it is time that I stop sacrificing my peace, joy and stillness for fear and worry.

Thank you for your prayers and for your love- whoever you are.
"And when you cannot stand, He will hold you in his arms" [francisdesales]
Praise God.