Sunday, November 21, 2010

looking back.

I should totally be doing my homework right now. I'm enrolled in an online MBA program and my employer is paying for it. It's amazing how meaningless it is when it is not your money. Not to mention the fact I have no idea what I am doing or talking about half the time. Anyways- that has nothing to do with anything, I just don't want to do it. Bad me.

A few nights ago a person that I went to high school with randomly IM'd me on Facebook. I typically don't chat on there because I feel guilty for how much time I spend on there in the first place. This person was one I didn't know well in high school, but I most definitely knew this person existed, who their family was, where they lived and all of that general information. In high school though, I was just as self-conscious as the next person and I didn't think that people always wanted to talk to me, I didn't even think that anyone really liked me. This person was expressing to me how they were surprised that I even knew they existed and said that because of the people I was associated with, I couldn't possibly care about this persons life or feelings. Man. That hit me deep. In high school I guess I was a part of that so called " popular" crowd- OMG I hate that I even just put myself in that category, or that that category even exists. The funny part is, the girls in that social network hated me, and did everything possible to make my life miserable. People didn't know it and probably still don't but wow, I was so lost and I just wanted to be liked like everyone else. I knew I believed in Jesus and I knew that being 'popular' did not matter at all. I wanted to, and I know this sounds so cliche', but I wanted to be friends with everyone. I remember thinking that the friends that I had in choir class where the friends I wish I had outside of choir. Those girls were so cool and they were actually good friends to each other. If you read this- you know who you are. Anyways, the whole point to this is that in high school we don't know anything. We don't know how hard life really is and we don't know that what we say, do and how we look at people can hurt them and affect them for the rest of their lives. The Wreckers, a country band, sings a song called "Stand Still Look Pretty." In high school this was my anthem. I struggled deeply with depression. I cried myself to sleep probably every night. This person probably never would have thought that because I was an athlete, the Homecoming Queen and voted "Best Dressed" our senior year. This song says basically that you can't tell whats going on inside, my iron smile made it impossible for people to understand that just because I was an athlete and did my hair pretty and wore too much make-up didn't mean that my life was better. I guess the whole point of this is so that people know, any age, that you really cannot judge a book by it's cover. Maybe this person felt like I didn't care about them in High School, and that is terrible, I should have said Hi, I should have asked them how their day was going I should I have said something. I was young and stupid. I'm old enough now, and high school was long ago enough now to understand that we all have been through something different. Each person I went to High School with had a different high school experience. I hated high school. You couldn't pay me enough money to go back. But I guess I just wish that I could go back and hang out with those people who I didn't hang out with, and love the ones who have to this day never felt one ounce of love anywhere. It really grinds me gears to know that I missed my chance, I missed my chance to love and to allow Jesus to shine through my every word and action. That's what I'm here for. To love, to talk and listen, to sacrifice and serve. Gosh, why can't I just get that through my head.

My prayer tonight is that all of those people who I didn't smile at, or didn't talk to - all of the people who I didn't express any interest towards because my own bad decisions were consuming my life- I pray that they would feel love and that they would sense God's presence and desire for them. Gosh, I just want to be so real. Jesus knows us better than we know ourselves, take a minute today to tell the outcast around you that you like their shoes, or bring them a cup of coffee or something- just notice them. You never know who's life God will allow you to change for the kingdom.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Bloom where you're planted

Good morning! Yes, it is morning and I am blogging in bed! On Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't have to go into work until 11am. Sometimes I love it- sometimes I don't love it. Today, I kind of like it because I finally felt good enough to just lay in bed and be lazy. I haven't been able to do that for so long. I kept thinking that I needed to get up and go for a run or read all of my bible or the two books I am trying to finish that I carry with me everywhere I go. Instead, I just laid here. Dozed in and out of sleep and caught myself praying for certain things. I've been really challenged with God, prayer, faithfulness and hope- and what that all means recently and it bothered me so much I couldn't relax. It has finally occurred to me that it isn't a bad thing for me to be wrestling with these things. It's okay, the answers just don't come as easy and and as freely as they used to.
Yesterday, God kind showed me in an indirect way how he was providing for me and he was in charge of my every step. About two months ago I was offered a new position at the school/company I work for in a different department than I was currently in. I accepted the position and have been enjoying it. The old position that I left, was eliminated as of yesterday. I would be out of a job right now. God was so gracious to me and protected me from that stress and chaos before it even happened. My heart was really heavy yesterday for my co-workers who had the bear that hard news, and I hope for them all the best. I have been quick to fear and doubt and this has shown me that God's will in my life is for good.
It was chilly in Austin yesterday! It made me feel like I was home, and it was fall. I wasn't home though, I was here in Austin. This past month I have been working really hard to live in Austin. God has planted me here. I need to bloom. I need to grow. I want to love it here. God why is it so far away from my family? I get scared that I will never live near them again and that all of my love for them doesn't matter any more- because it's my lot in life to live far. I don't care how many people do it or like to do it, I don't like it. I don't want to live overseas or across the country. If that is what God has for me- I will do it and I'm sure it will be great. My prayer is that at some point I will be in driving distance from my family again. I hope it's not a selfish prayer- that has all of the wrong intentions. I desire for my family to know Jesus and understand what it means to fear the Lord and desire eternity with him. I want to see it and be a part of it, not just hear about life through the phone. Sometimes Josh and I can't seem to see this in the same way. He will go anywhere. Live anywhere. Do anything. He has an adventurous soul. He wants to leave a footprint and touch the lives of many. I do too, but I still want to be able to hug my parents and hang out with my sister and bro. I know I worry too much about the future, it just seems so short sometimes. This- is why I struggle to bloom here. So this is my shot today, to wake up and smell the fresh 70 degree air outside- TRUST GOD and just be here, live here, grow here, bloom here- where God has planted me.