A question I frequently ask Josh is, "when am I going to just feel normal again." He is always quick to reply, " when you stop trying to define what normal means."
In one week, I will be back in the place where I was a year ago. Back in the place where I packed everything I had, stuffed it in the Alero that I still drive, and hit the road to Texas. I can't believe a year has gone by. I find myself still waiting to feel normal, or waiting to feel like I thought I was going to feel by now. Waiting to be that person I thought I was going to be by now. Here's the thing- that person is me. It's whoever I am right now. It's the person who is writing this, who is sitting here with a ton of bricks on her chest for no real reason, the person who stubbed her toe on the footstool in the living room and found herself laying on the floor sobbing because not only did my toe hurt... but I still don't feel normal.
It's frightening thing... growing up. It was so much easier when I could at least pretend like I had it all together. When my dreams were all laid out in front of me, the ones I never thought would get here and now they are here. I don't think it's coincidence that each night the devotional book I read is referring to hard time, talking about being in a weird dark place, or talking about struggling. Today it said, " don't give up," "don't be afraid." Those are words I needed to hear. Wherever you are on this journey, whether it's super awesome, or super hard... just don't give up. Some days I want to...most days, as a matter of fact, it would be easier it seems. Here is something I can't understand, but know to be true. God's "plan" isn't just for our lives individually- it's for a whole universe. I honestly don't even know what that means, but it is a lot more than just my life. Rest in the fact that the plan goes beyond your lifetime, and beyond my lifetime. I just pray that my role is significant, and that God will tell me well done.
Rest in the Peace of the Holy Spirit tonight--- I'll try.