Grateful...

Life just seems to happen so fast! It seems as thought yesterday was the 1st day of 2011 and now it is almost the 15th day. It's surreal to me how time passes, so slowly yet so quickly. The last blog from me was over Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas it was, I really enjoyed it and felt like it was a great vacation/visit home. Returning to Austin proved to be just fine, back to work and into the swing of things almost immediately. I've since then celebrated my year anniversary of moving to Texas, working at The Art Institute of Austin and I also celebrated my 23rd year!

My birthday was a joy. Josh and I went out for Sushi on Friday and strolled around the city after, talking and makin' plans. Spending time with Josh is one of my favorite things to do. He has turned out to be such a great friend, the best. A while back we decided to change our relationship up a bit, do some things a little differently and push with all of our might to center our relationship of Jesus. We both came through years of difficult relationships and we had had enough. I feel so blessed every day to know that whatever lies ahead, he is always going to point me to Christ and always walk beside me knowing that God is in the lead. I understand that not everyone has that joy in another person, and I am very grateful for God's mercy and grace on me.

Tonight- I got out of work at 5, I fought traffic and picked up my roomie just in time for Happy Hour at FINO. We had some of the most delicious pita bread and spread my mouth has ever experienced. I always enjoy spending time with Mary, and trying new places to eat! She knows the best spots. From there, I came home and freshened up and ran back out the door to go to the movie with Josh. I met him there and we saw, The Dilemma. It was cute, we got some good laughs. Josh laughed more than I did, which is totally cool because he's too cute when he laughs!! What was odd though was that I sat through almost the entire movie, anxious and my chest felt tight. It was driving me nuts. I wanted to cry. "Why do I feel like this!!! Nothing is wrong with me!! I'm totally happy, content and ok!!" As my brain is thinking this, the movie goes on. I continue to ask God for help, for peace for relief. It always comes, as it did. Josh and I get into the car and immediately I have to talk to him about what I feel and what's going on. His words are so sweet to me, and it means so much to know that he cares. He cares enough to listen, and to respond. As I go on and on, tears start to fill my eyes and just these simple words, "everything is ok," as if God himself was speaking right to my face come out of Josh's mouth. The wisdom and confidence in Christ that Josh brings to the table every day is amazing. I need it, and God knows that. God knows that I need the love of my savior, and the peace only He brings-- and I am so happy that he uses the love of my life to help me see that better.

"Unjust suffering is the perfecting of Salvation" Somewhere in Hebrews...[Josh].


As I continue on my quest to better know Jesus, I feel as though I know Him less. Not unusual, and not a surprise to Him. My hope is in Him and it is to keep pressing into the Lord and seeking what I am to learn from all of this. One thing that I do know is that God is faithful, and we are sinners, undeserving- but loved enough to be saved. Don't take it for granted, don't continue to run away from the best thing this life has to offer. Just stop, take a deep breath and receive a fresh new start from the One who created it all, every second of every day.

Everything changes.

Right now, my gold retriever, Lexus is lazily panting on the floor, my sweet baby nephew Braylon is innocently snoring in his pack-and-play he sleeps in at my mom's house, right next to me. I can hear my brother's TV in the room next to me and my door is shut so the light in my room doesn't keep my mom awake across the hall, she has to be up for work. My sister is at home with her husband, sleeping because she too has to work in the morning. My dad is in Tennessee, trying hard to make it home as soon as possible tomorrow. Josh is with his family- joyfully playing Wii with his sister and best friend. Peace- be still.

As I sit here in this bed... and look around me... tears fill my eyes. I've struggled so much with this idea of change. With the fracture that has been placed where my family once was. The idea and virtue of patience is a rather simple one for me, I can wait. Change on the other hand, it terrifies me. It terrifies me so much, that I have been failing to let it happen. I have failed to allow time to do what it does; to shape me, to grow me and to most importantly age me with life. When I was a teenager (not SO long ago) I always wanted to be older. I never understood why people freaked out when they turned 28 or 43. I just though it would be cool to be older. As I continue to get older, I don't necessary have that young naive mindset. I know that getting older, inevitably means change. I change, the people I love change, my family changes, even my dogs change. Easily, I can get stuck here. I can get stuck in this sad place of what was, and what I miss. I can hang on and grip so tightly to the memories that haunt me, the good memories that bring me only tears. I dread the days to come, because I fear that something will be wrong and someone will be hurting, dying or walking the wrong road. I always hear people say, "The only thing that never changes in this life is the fact that everything will keep changing." Huh. So if this is true, which I believe it is, that means if I fight continue fighting this idea of change in my life I will forever be in turmoil, in angst over something that I have absolutely no control over. It's freeing kind of, when I think of it that way.

God designed me to trust him, to praise him, and to obey what his word says. Do I question this? Yes, with the most immature and unknowing mind, and the most yearning heart. There is power in "The Blood"- Freedom in "The Blood." When I think of the current placing of my family at this very moment, it overwhelms me. How are we here? How did it all happen so fast? How does "The Blood" makes us free- how does our little crazy, loud and hysterical family fit into the family of God when we are just messed up sinners, trying to feel something in this life. In this moment, I know deep in my soul that there is a God- the Only God- who made us each so different and unique that we fit together perfectly. That because we are crazy messed up sinners, we are like all of the others in the family of God. Imperfect, undeserving, unworthy- yet LOVED. I don't know how many years ago Jesus was born, or if it was in October or December that he was laid down into a manger with animals all around him. All that I know- and all that I believe is that he was- and he did. He was born- he did in fact live a life of perfection because we are sinners, undeserving- yet hungry for what this Christmas season represents. Christ being born, to come into the world so that our sins could be washed away by The Blood. That's how we fit it, that's how I belong to Jesus.

I don't like change, and I'll avoid it and fight it at all costs. God reminds me that through change and through the darkness, his Glory is here in it and the light on the other side of the dark night is so sweet... The small reminder of this precious baby sleeping next to me, or my little brother punching me so hard in the arm I felt like we were kids again because I was so mad at him--- making Christmas cookies with my mom and sister again. Even though change has stolen some of my most fondest memories, God is making all things new in this family, and in my life. I will praise him with a thankful heart for bringing me this far.

Merry Christmas. Emily.

Let me re-phrase that.

So, like I said last night- normal is a word that I am trying to delete from my vocabulary. I'm reading another book- I have just gotten into it, but I've wanted to read it for a long time. It is called, "Cold Tangerines," by Shauna Niequist. This book is " about celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life." I think with the hustle and bustle of working and studying and kids and dinner and every other thing that goes on, we start to not appreciate and enjoy the things that keep us so busy. I really hope to find that in this book, the encouragement one needs to enjoy and appreciate the things that happen each day. Instead of living in yesterday or for tomorrow- I want to live right now. I want to handle every situation with grace, and a smile...

I didn't mean for my last blog to be a sob fest, and make anyone who read it think that I've had it and I'm done. Not the case. Every day is a different adventure. Everyday, God gives me grace, and I either choose to accept it or I pick back up what I laid down at his feet the night before and in those days I find myself lost. Being able to lay it all down and leave it there is a talent, I have yet to acquire.

Saturday we leave for Michigan! I'm so excited to go home. It's been almost three months! Holy smokes. I can't believe it. I feel like Grant will be 3 feet taller and Braylon is going to be talking. Where does the time go? Another reminder that God gave us life, to love him, love people- and enjoy the blessings he has given us. I think the spirit of Gratitude can get us a long way.

Thanks for playing!

Normal.

A question I frequently ask Josh is, "when am I going to just feel normal again." He is always quick to reply, " when you stop trying to define what normal means."

In one week, I will be back in the place where I was a year ago. Back in the place where I packed everything I had, stuffed it in the Alero that I still drive, and hit the road to Texas. I can't believe a year has gone by. I find myself still waiting to feel normal, or waiting to feel like I thought I was going to feel by now. Waiting to be that person I thought I was going to be by now. Here's the thing- that person is me. It's whoever I am right now. It's the person who is writing this, who is sitting here with a ton of bricks on her chest for no real reason, the person who stubbed her toe on the footstool in the living room and found herself laying on the floor sobbing because not only did my toe hurt... but I still don't feel normal.

It's frightening thing... growing up. It was so much easier when I could at least pretend like I had it all together. When my dreams were all laid out in front of me, the ones I never thought would get here and now they are here. I don't think it's coincidence that each night the devotional book I read is referring to hard time, talking about being in a weird dark place, or talking about struggling. Today it said, " don't give up," "don't be afraid." Those are words I needed to hear. Wherever you are on this journey, whether it's super awesome, or super hard... just don't give up. Some days I want to...most days, as a matter of fact, it would be easier it seems. Here is something I can't understand, but know to be true. God's "plan" isn't just for our lives individually- it's for a whole universe. I honestly don't even know what that means, but it is a lot more than just my life. Rest in the fact that the plan goes beyond your lifetime, and beyond my lifetime. I just pray that my role is significant, and that God will tell me well done.

Rest in the Peace of the Holy Spirit tonight--- I'll try.

looking back.

I should totally be doing my homework right now. I'm enrolled in an online MBA program and my employer is paying for it. It's amazing how meaningless it is when it is not your money. Not to mention the fact I have no idea what I am doing or talking about half the time. Anyways- that has nothing to do with anything, I just don't want to do it. Bad me.


A few nights ago a person that I went to high school with randomly IM'd me on Facebook. I typically don't chat on there because I feel guilty for how much time I spend on there in the first place. This person was one I didn't know well in high school, but I most definitely knew this person existed, who their family was, where they lived and all of that general information. In high school though, I was just as self-conscious as the next person and I didn't think that people always wanted to talk to me, I didn't even think that anyone really liked me. This person was expressing to me how they were surprised that I even knew they existed and said that because of the people I was associated with, I couldn't possibly care about this persons life or feelings. Man. That hit me deep. In high school I guess I was a part of that so called " popular" crowd- OMG I hate that I even just put myself in that category, or that that category even exists. The funny part is, the girls in that social network hated me, and did everything possible to make my life miserable. People didn't know it and probably still don't but wow, I was so lost and I just wanted to be liked like everyone else. I knew I believed in Jesus and I knew that being 'popular' did not matter at all. I wanted to, and I know this sounds so cliche', but I wanted to be friends with everyone. I remember thinking that the friends that I had in choir class where the friends I wish I had outside of choir. Those girls were so cool and they were actually good friends to each other. If you read this- you know who you are. Anyways, the whole point to this is that in high school we don't know anything. We don't know how hard life really is and we don't know that what we say, do and how we look at people can hurt them and affect them for the rest of their lives. The Wreckers, a country band, sings a song called "Stand Still Look Pretty." In high school this was my anthem. I struggled deeply with depression. I cried myself to sleep probably every night. This person probably never would have thought that because I was an athlete, the Homecoming Queen and voted "Best Dressed" our senior year. This song says basically that you can't tell whats going on inside, my iron smile made it impossible for people to understand that just because I was an athlete and did my hair pretty and wore too much make-up didn't mean that my life was better. I guess the whole point of this is so that people know, any age, that you really cannot judge a book by it's cover. Maybe this person felt like I didn't care about them in High School, and that is terrible, I should have said Hi, I should have asked them how their day was going I should I have said something. I was young and stupid. I'm old enough now, and high school was long ago enough now to understand that we all have been through something different. Each person I went to High School with had a different high school experience. I hated high school. You couldn't pay me enough money to go back. But I guess I just wish that I could go back and hang out with those people who I didn't hang out with, and love the ones who have to this day never felt one ounce of love anywhere. It really grinds me gears to know that I missed my chance, I missed my chance to love and to allow Jesus to shine through my every word and action. That's what I'm here for. To love, to talk and listen, to sacrifice and serve. Gosh, why can't I just get that through my head.

My prayer tonight is that all of those people who I didn't smile at, or didn't talk to - all of the people who I didn't express any interest towards because my own bad decisions were consuming my life- I pray that they would feel love and that they would sense God's presence and desire for them. Gosh, I just want to be so real. Jesus knows us better than we know ourselves, take a minute today to tell the outcast around you that you like their shoes, or bring them a cup of coffee or something- just notice them. You never know who's life God will allow you to change for the kingdom.

Bloom where you're planted

Good morning! Yes, it is morning and I am blogging in bed! On Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't have to go into work until 11am. Sometimes I love it- sometimes I don't love it. Today, I kind of like it because I finally felt good enough to just lay in bed and be lazy. I haven't been able to do that for so long. I kept thinking that I needed to get up and go for a run or read all of my bible or the two books I am trying to finish that I carry with me everywhere I go. Instead, I just laid here. Dozed in and out of sleep and caught myself praying for certain things. I've been really challenged with God, prayer, faithfulness and hope- and what that all means recently and it bothered me so much I couldn't relax. It has finally occurred to me that it isn't a bad thing for me to be wrestling with these things. It's okay, the answers just don't come as easy and and as freely as they used to.
Yesterday, God kind showed me in an indirect way how he was providing for me and he was in charge of my every step. About two months ago I was offered a new position at the school/company I work for in a different department than I was currently in. I accepted the position and have been enjoying it. The old position that I left, was eliminated as of yesterday. I would be out of a job right now. God was so gracious to me and protected me from that stress and chaos before it even happened. My heart was really heavy yesterday for my co-workers who had the bear that hard news, and I hope for them all the best. I have been quick to fear and doubt and this has shown me that God's will in my life is for good.
It was chilly in Austin yesterday! It made me feel like I was home, and it was fall. I wasn't home though, I was here in Austin. This past month I have been working really hard to live in Austin. God has planted me here. I need to bloom. I need to grow. I want to love it here. God why is it so far away from my family? I get scared that I will never live near them again and that all of my love for them doesn't matter any more- because it's my lot in life to live far. I don't care how many people do it or like to do it, I don't like it. I don't want to live overseas or across the country. If that is what God has for me- I will do it and I'm sure it will be great. My prayer is that at some point I will be in driving distance from my family again. I hope it's not a selfish prayer- that has all of the wrong intentions. I desire for my family to know Jesus and understand what it means to fear the Lord and desire eternity with him. I want to see it and be a part of it, not just hear about life through the phone. Sometimes Josh and I can't seem to see this in the same way. He will go anywhere. Live anywhere. Do anything. He has an adventurous soul. He wants to leave a footprint and touch the lives of many. I do too, but I still want to be able to hug my parents and hang out with my sister and bro. I know I worry too much about the future, it just seems so short sometimes. This- is why I struggle to bloom here. So this is my shot today, to wake up and smell the fresh 70 degree air outside- TRUST GOD and just be here, live here, grow here, bloom here- where God has planted me.

the ugly truth.

It really has been since August since I've last blogged. Apparently everything that has been necessary to write down has been in the journal that sits by my bed. All things in which you probably would not want to know anyways.

Last time I was here, Grant was hittin' the field for his 1st Varsity football game. That day came and went, and I was able to watch him play on Homecoming. Josh and I flew home October 7,8,9,10 and got to hang out with family all weekend. We spent time at his parents and a lot of time with my mom, abby, braylon and grant. Being home in Michigan for fall was awesome, the colors of the trees made me never want to leave, and the weather was enough to take my breath away. I could sit in my moms front yard all day and be perfectly content. I don't know what it is, but I find some kind of peace there. Watching Braylon play and the dogs lay in the yard, and just being on the front steps seems to feel really good. I know I won't be saying this when all of that snow comes, but I think I'll even miss that a little.

I have a devotional book that I read out of every night before I go to bed. It's called, Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. If you are looking for a good one, I highly recommend this. It's awesome and every night I read it, God speaks to me and I find myself nodding my head. Unfortunately, I have really been struggling in my faith recently. The ups and downs of life have gotten me into a bad frame of mind, and God is allowing this time of struggle in my life. I shared a bit of my testimony with a small group of people at church this morning, and I was reminded of how much I have been through as a 22 year old. Not that much compared to probably most people in the world, but to me it was a lot. Looking back now, life is/should be good. For some reason though, now is when my faith is tested to the limit. Now is when doubt, fear, anxiety and bitterness have latched on and won't let go. The Word says that we will face trials of many kinds, we will be persecuted and pushed to the limit. I, in my head, thought that my limit had come and gone. How much more could I take? Moving to Austin was exciting, an adventure, and the next big thing in my life. My love was here, and I felt like God had more for me to do here than he did anywhere else.

Moving right along, the devotion I read tonight was delightful. I'm doubting God left and right, I'm finding myself in tears because I am literally just scared of everything and I am becoming frustrated, bitter and angry and I have no idea why. Clearly, I want this to stop. So, reading, listening, writing in my journal, counseling and constatnely praying for Gods voice, or presence or something- ANYTHING! Day by day I have just been learning perseverance and patients. So often, I don't feel better, I don't feel healed.

"We should never give ourselves the freedom to doubt God or his eternal love and faithfulness towards us in everything."

"Then as we stand firm, refusing to doubt, the Holy Spirit will come to your aid giving us the faith of God and crowing us with His victory."

Let us "count it all joy" when we cannot feel one emotion of happiness. Let us rejoice by faith, by resolution, by reckoning, and we shall surely find that God will make the reckoning real. --Selected


the end.