the ugly truth.

It really has been since August since I've last blogged. Apparently everything that has been necessary to write down has been in the journal that sits by my bed. All things in which you probably would not want to know anyways.

Last time I was here, Grant was hittin' the field for his 1st Varsity football game. That day came and went, and I was able to watch him play on Homecoming. Josh and I flew home October 7,8,9,10 and got to hang out with family all weekend. We spent time at his parents and a lot of time with my mom, abby, braylon and grant. Being home in Michigan for fall was awesome, the colors of the trees made me never want to leave, and the weather was enough to take my breath away. I could sit in my moms front yard all day and be perfectly content. I don't know what it is, but I find some kind of peace there. Watching Braylon play and the dogs lay in the yard, and just being on the front steps seems to feel really good. I know I won't be saying this when all of that snow comes, but I think I'll even miss that a little.

I have a devotional book that I read out of every night before I go to bed. It's called, Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. If you are looking for a good one, I highly recommend this. It's awesome and every night I read it, God speaks to me and I find myself nodding my head. Unfortunately, I have really been struggling in my faith recently. The ups and downs of life have gotten me into a bad frame of mind, and God is allowing this time of struggle in my life. I shared a bit of my testimony with a small group of people at church this morning, and I was reminded of how much I have been through as a 22 year old. Not that much compared to probably most people in the world, but to me it was a lot. Looking back now, life is/should be good. For some reason though, now is when my faith is tested to the limit. Now is when doubt, fear, anxiety and bitterness have latched on and won't let go. The Word says that we will face trials of many kinds, we will be persecuted and pushed to the limit. I, in my head, thought that my limit had come and gone. How much more could I take? Moving to Austin was exciting, an adventure, and the next big thing in my life. My love was here, and I felt like God had more for me to do here than he did anywhere else.

Moving right along, the devotion I read tonight was delightful. I'm doubting God left and right, I'm finding myself in tears because I am literally just scared of everything and I am becoming frustrated, bitter and angry and I have no idea why. Clearly, I want this to stop. So, reading, listening, writing in my journal, counseling and constatnely praying for Gods voice, or presence or something- ANYTHING! Day by day I have just been learning perseverance and patients. So often, I don't feel better, I don't feel healed.

"We should never give ourselves the freedom to doubt God or his eternal love and faithfulness towards us in everything."

"Then as we stand firm, refusing to doubt, the Holy Spirit will come to your aid giving us the faith of God and crowing us with His victory."

Let us "count it all joy" when we cannot feel one emotion of happiness. Let us rejoice by faith, by resolution, by reckoning, and we shall surely find that God will make the reckoning real. --Selected


the end.

I never knew the day would come...

Tomorrow will be Grant's first Varsity Football game.

I have a lot of mixed emotions and feelings about this. Since before I can remember, going to watch Grant play sports of any kind has been such a joy to me. I loved going with my parents to baseball or basketball tournaments, and I loved watching Grant play football- even when he was so young and such a baby!!! Through out college, I would go home every possible chance (every week) during football season to watch this kid play football. I was always, and still am, SO proud of him.

I have been trying to prepare myself for tomorrow for a long time. I don't think anyone really understands how bad I want to be there. Like- I would have done anything to be there. Why though, does God allow that to not happen? It doesn't seem like there is a very good reason for it- but there has to be. God is using this, or will use this to teach me something or grow a different part of me.

I'll probably cry tomorrow, like I did today and the day before, just thinking about all the games I have watched Grant play, and now.. his big Varsity debut... I miss. Geez- I sound pretty depressing don't I? It's very hard for me not to be there. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understandings, in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will keep your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. I need to do this. My faith is so weak and little. I know what is truth, but I struggle to live it. I know what is life, but I struggle to find it. I know where my help comes from... I just have to let it.

I know tomorrow night at 7pm when Grant marches out there on the field in Blue and Gold withe the rest of the Birch Run Panthers, a new era begins in his life. I did get the privilege to drop him off a football camp this last time I was home. I know it sounds crazy- and I'm not his mom- but it felt like I had just let one of my own go! I cried rather heavily as I drove away recounting all of the times I dropped him off to football practice every summer in years past.

My brother and sister are my best friends. There is not anything that has ever come between us. We have been through thick and thin, through the best of times and the worst of times and we are still standing. I am so thankful and so blessed to be called their sister- and I hope they know every day, no matter how far away from them I am- how deeply I love them.

I always wondered where I would be when Grant started playing Varsity football. I never thought I'd miss it. I never thought I'd be here. I never knew the day would come... but it's here!

Grant- #20! I'm so proud of you and I can't wait to see you play. I love you so much!

8 Months ago today..

Today was Wednesday. I did something kind of funny today. I went on a tour of a hair school [[Regency Beauty Institute]]. AGAIN. I've been to several different hair schools and visited. Each one I feel as though I was meant to be there. It's really interesting because at this point it seems nearly impossible to do? I've wanted to do hair since I was in high school. God has ordained my steps though. If I would have went to Cosmetology school and skipped out on SAU, I wouldn't be where I am today. I would have missed out on the experience that I consider the best days of my life. Anyways, I walked out of there confident that I will do hair some day, I just don't know when.

I was able to tour the school before work this morning because Wednesday's are days when I work from 11am -8pm. SICK. I hate working those hours. I seriously think I am going to go crazy when I'm there that late some time. One new development since the last blog post... I got a new job! Starting September 7, 2010 I will be a Financial Aid Officer for The Art Institute of Austin. I'm pretty excited about it. It's a new challenge, something to get my wheels turning again in my mind.

Tomorrow marks 8 months from the day I pulled out of my moms driveway and left for Texas. I can still see her, Braylon and Grant in the review mirrors. As hard as that is to think about, I know it was the right decision. I forget so often how the Lord brought me here. I forget that God is never going to bring me to a place and just leave me there. When I was at camp this last month, my cousin Kelly encouraged me to, " grow where you are planted." I have had a hard time forgetting that. God has planted me in Austin, Texas with Josh Rickard. We are surrounded by people who love us, care about us, and who would do anything for us. I feel so guilty because I have been so unfaithful in doubting that God has a plan for me, for my life and for my future with Josh and my family.

I have a busy weekend coming up, and a lot to look forward too. This weekend is jam packed with a night out downtown with Josh for a going away party :), working all day Saturday and catching up with a great mentor and friend Jenn, and then church and Chelsea's lingerie shower on Sunday [[which I am cooking all of the food for... YIKES]].

A week from tomorrow- Abby and Braylon fly in!! Wow- I can say that my level of excitement is through the roof. I am so excited to have them all to myself.

I'm so blessed, and my prayer is that I would not forget that. That we would all count our blessings and know that our life is to be lived for the Glory of God, and everything else will fall into place... it always does.

xO. Em

time will rob you blind.

It is indeed that time of year. Wedding bells are ringing and girls all over the country are putting on their big white dresses and walking down the aisle starting a whole new journey in life. Tomorrow one of my best friends from my childhood is getting married. My sister and I are in the wedding. This is the first one of my "good friends" other than my sister and a friend from college that has gotten married. As I sit here the night before her wedding- I can't help but think of all of the memories we have together. All of the times we (Becky and I) would drive around in her car or mine, or walk to each others house or ride fourwheelers together. We were neighbors (about a mile apart) and spent a lot of time together growing up. I never realized that a day would come when both of us would get married. When we would stop being our daddy's little girls. I had this same reality hit me when my sister got married. Marriage is a big thing. The older I get, the more I realize that it's not just a fairy tail. That it is not just about the wedding- but it's about the marriage that comes after the wedding. I hope nothing but the best for Becky and Vince, and I pray that God would lead them in a direction ending in His arms.

Of course, since I am in this wedding, I am home in Michigan again. Last week I was home for Simpson Park Camp for about 5 days. It was nice to be at my moms for a while and then to get to spend some time in Romeo, MI with the other half of the family. As you can imagine, 2 trips from Texas to Michigan in the last week have been a bit tiring. I love it though. I really needed this time to be with my family and be "home" for a while. Austin is becoming more and more like "my" home- but it will never be home. Coming to Birch Run and being around my family and just in the cool Michigan weather is a unmistakable feeling that nothing can replace. I feel as though for the first time in a long time, I enjoy being here. As I sit here and watch Grant playing video games in his room-- I am reminded again at how much time has passed. I feel like I'm 18 still- but then that would make him 10 and we all know that he is not 10. He is 5'8 and solid muscle weighing in at 130lbs- ON VARSITY FOOTBALL. My word- wasn't he just learning how to ride a bike in our front yard while I laid on the grass trying to figure out what the clouds looked like that day? More recently- it has scared me how quickly the time goes. For so long I "couldn't wait" for so many things. I am not at the point where I just want to slow it all down. If you know me, you know I would never say something like that. Every day though, I have to face the reality that life is going to keep going. Things are going to keep changing and I, as well as everyone around me, is going to keep getting older. It can be fun though-- I just have to let it be!

Tomorrow is the big day for Becky. Makes me wonder what it will feel like when it's my big day. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves though- I think I'll just go finish my homework for now. ;) Pictures of Becky's wedding- to come!

Have a great weekend- whoever you are.

peace.

You're ok.

psalms 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

If you read this- I hope you are encouraged. I feel as though many of my friends and family, myself included, are in the midst of troubled times. This verse has been my glue- the words, inspired by God, to hold me together. I'm often presented with the idea that we as human beings "can't do this anymore." Awesome, but not true. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. You can't wake up another day, to face another hard miserable day? You can. The relationship that Christ wants to have with you is an intimate one. Every morning- ask God for his hand in the day. Knowing that we don't have to rely only on ourselves for anything is something hard to grasp. It's cool though, because if you let it happen and you trust in the word of the Lord, the hard times will still be there... but your holding the hand of Jesus this time- and you're ok.

Job 23:10

"He knows the way that I take, when He has tested me, I will come out like Gold."

It's a good thing that God see's us through our storms. Sometimes I forget. More recently I have just not been able to understand. With a lack of understanding comes a lack of control- and I really hate that. Who doesn't though, right? After living in Texas for about 6.5 months, I think God is totally making me new, and allowing me to see life from a different set of eyes. I've realized more in the last month or two than I have probably in my whole life. It's almost like I've had a mid-life/quarter life crisis and epiphany all at the same time. I'm at a place where God is doing awesome things, and performing miracles in my life daily- but I have felt to consumed with reality and fear to notice. I have been praying to God for help and for comfort, when all along I just had to believe. I think I was/am having a difficult time with that because I don't understand. Faith- believing in what you do not see- in what you do not understand. God did not ask me to understand. He asked me to have faith. Sometimes, I feel as though my fear and anxiety literally takes over my life. The point that it got to recently, really showed me how much I rely on myself and other people way to much- and I don't rely on God nearly enough. Talking with Mary last night, we both came to the conclusion that it was almost like God was saying, " You say that you believe in me and that you believe in what I can do- but do you really?" Ouch. I just moved out of my apartment that I was living in by myself, in with one of my close friends here in Austin, Mary. It has honestly been such a blessing, even in the 3 days i've been here. God knew that I needed to live with someone, and he provided a girl take over my lease within a matter of minutes of my asking. Amazing. The move was smooth, and although I am not unpacked, I feel great about being here. It is hard when you go from having 6 roommates to 0. Even in the storms, and the confusion, God has provided for me. Mary has said numerous times that the one thing getting her through lifes storm right now is the ways that "God has shown up- in big and small ways." She is dead on. As I am getting a bit older now, God is teaching me about myself and about who I am moving forward. God is teaching me who He really is- and although it's going to be beautiful- it's not easy. Psalm 121- I life my eyes to the hills- my help comes from the Lord.

It's been so long...

I feel like it has been forever since I last wrote my thoughts down in the form of a blog. Sorry. Why is it that when you feel like you are on the right track, you get knocked down again? I think everyone has experienced that a time or two.

Lately, I have just been out of it! I was kind of sick over the weekend, headache, stomach hurts, cold, little fever maybe? Just out of it. The weekend was so busy, I barely remember it. Lets see.. there was, a wedding, the pool, a reception, some UFC, fireworks, church, dinner, drinks, friends... lots of stuff. Needless to say, I was on the same page as the rest of the world when I had to go back to work today.

So like I said a while ago, I've been wrestling with some anxiety issues and just basic growing pains. I find myself often wondering how I got to the place where I am. When I grew up, when I didn't live at home anymore, when I was done with high school, and now college. It just all happened so fast! I guess what I have been learning more than anything, is that sometimes nothing makes sense. Even though it seems like it should- it just doesn't. I see so much tragedy and brokenness around me, everywhere I go, we all do. None of it makes sense, but that doesn't take God off of His throne. It is not comforting to know that life is always going to change, something is always going to go wrong and something will always be hard. The comfort that we must run after is the promise God gave us. Why is this so hard for me to hang onto? Through all of these emotions that have been surfacing recently, that is what God is teaching me. To hang onto Him- even when I can't see him, I don't feel him, I can't hear him. He's real, and saving my life daily.

It still doesn't make sense, but knowing that God knows my life and whats ahead is all that I should need anyways. So I'm going with it, with all of my heart. "Trust in the Lord with All of your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr