time helps, jesus heals

I've almost been sitting in this exact location for an entire day. I woke up this morning ready to conquer it all. I had the day off today, there was laundry to do, homework to try and finish and fresh new air to breathe. Turns out I have become not so fond of laundry (or cleaning at all for that matter), my homework was mostly online, and so I spent much time on facebook... and the air.. well the air was nice, I enjoyed the breeze blowing through my window.

Life has changed. It has changed so much I barely recognize myself any more. More than a year ago I was not who I am right now. Life was so uncertain and scary. I wanted a new mind and a new heart, I wanted to be transformed and set free from fear, worry and anxiety. I think those three things are something that everyone struggles with the some extent. I NEVER realized how many people walk around every day with the words "anxiety" "stress" "scared" "fear" running through their mind. Some people choose to medicate, others choose to isolate and few somehow overcome. Many people I have come in contact with do not share this with most. It really is something that is dark, and embarrassing and overcoming. You feel like you are the only one in the world who could possibly have the thoughts and feelings that you do. Let me just say right now- you are not alone in what you feel!! Praise God for this! We do NOT have to walk through life, and through struggles on our own. This is what our Heavenly Fathers tells us:

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)"

Speak this over yourself- because is it better than FOOD and WATER. Every day i MUST remind myself whom I belong to. "You are MINE... and WHEN you pass through the waters I WILL BE WITH YOU..." God doesn't promise us that life is going to be perfect, easy and painless. He assures us that we will face "trials of many kinds." What he does promise... is not to let the fire burn us or the flame consume us.

Really think about this and what it means in your life. When we are looking inward, towards ourselves and not pressing into the things of Jesus... it is dark, it is hopeless and it is FULL of anxiety. Look to Him today and He will help you take the deep breath you been trying for.

emily.

I'm back! With a new last name.

I thought I'd copy my husband, and start blogging again today. I could have been blogging every day for the past 3 weeks because I have honestly had so much time on my hands. Looking back, I haven't been using the time very wisely. I should have a job by now! Honestly.

So almost 1 month ago, I got married! My husband, Joshua Rickard, and I tied the knot on August 20th, 2011. My last post was when he proposed. I literally have not posted since that day. WOW. Guess you could say I was a little busy. We planned our wedding in about 5 months. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. The wedding was in Saugatuck/Douglas, MI. We had the ceremony at a quaint little chapel on a hill called, The Lakeshore Chapel. It is so stunningly beautiful that I didn't even decorate. Why did I want to decorate a historical, 100+ year old building. It had all the character I could have ever asked for. Thanks Uncle Dony for finding that- it truly was straight out of my dreams. Find pictures on www.jordannemarie.com/blog .

The reception was held at my Uncle Dony's marina/yacht club. This is his second home, pride and joy and probably his favorite place to always be. There are several yachts, large house boats, jet ski's, dinghy's. It's right off Lake Michigan, on the Kalamazoo River, surrounded by million dollar homes. I couldn't have thought of a better location. We had a tent, lights, music, food, flowers, tables, chairs... stars, friends and laughter. It seemed like everyone had a good time. The night went by so fast. I wanted to talk to people, and hug them and take pictures with them. I guess that's what other peoples weddings are for ;) I think back to that day, that night- that week- and I can't believe it's over! It was so perfect, so unique, so beautiful and stressful! Man, what I would give to have not been so stressed on the days following up to the wedding. As a bride.. there was just a lot of pressure. I'm sure someone out there understands. The good thing is... when I think back, I take a deep sigh and smile because it was good.

We took a couple days for a honeymoon up in northern michigan :) I wish we could have stayed for several days and went everywhere up there. It's so beautiful and peaceful. I could hear myself breathing. It was the perfect honeymoon destination... for us.

Now we are back in Austin. It's hot. It's so so so so so stinking hot. My car has no air. We could get it fixed... but for some reason neither of us have even mentioned taking it in. I have no idea why because every time I drive somewhere, day or night, I get pretty angry at how sweaty I instantly become. I guess I'd rather invest my money into other things... ;) I start cosmetology school September 28th. I'm actually terrified. I'm 23 years old, and I've never had a creative drop of anything come out of me. But I want to do hair. People who do hair always seem to be funky, and fun and cool and have pink streaks in their hair. I want to know the trade, I want to learn it and perfect it and do it so well. I know my previous statement was a bit of a generalization, but I still am so scared I won't fit it! I thought feelings like that went away after high school :D. To be completely honest I haven't had anyone touch my hair since February- it's dead and discolored. Hopefully no one notices!

Josh is still plugging away at FAS. He's ready for what's next! School?!?! We hope so. Transcripts are on their way:) I'm so proud of him- he's so dedicated and such a hard worker. Please be in prayer with us on what our next move is. Especially for Josh, school and career paths. We are really excited about what doors are going to be opened for him- and we try desperately to rest in the fact that God is sovereign and in control. Again- prayer for this specifically is so welcomed and received!


I'm looking forward to Christmas :) Just had to say it! Family, Food, SNOW, MICHIGAN. All of the things I love... and then some.

Bye! Emily

It's a whole new ball game now.

Josh had his 25th birthday yesterday, March 29th. Happy Birthday babyyy! As I was trying to think of a ton of sweet things to do for Josh for his birthday, only a few great idea's came to mind. 1. Ipad and 2. Guitar. Both of these things were so expensive, I was discouraged. Time went on, his birthday got closer and I realized I had no sweet idea for the celebration of his 25th year of life. My next best idea was buy him a slew of clothes from Target, a Starbucks giftcard and a day away from Austin. Josh liked the first 2, but neglected my 3rd idea to take a day trip somewhere on Sunday March 27th, so we could celebrate his birthday, just the two of us. We had a wedding the night before we attended, and he wanted to go to church the next day. Josh also suggested that we go canoeing, because that is what he wanted to do for his birthday. Little did I know that this day would not only be a great celebration of his birthday, but the start of something really stinkin' sweet.
"Josh I really don't feel good, I don't know if I can make it on a canoe in the middle of the lake with out barfing today..." "Emily, it will be great, I promise, you'll be fine." ..."But Josh it's kind of cold and it's raining, don't you want to do something else for your birthday instead? We can go canoeing when it's hot out." " Emily, come on let's just do it, it's going to be sweet."
Josh and I bantered back and forth like this for a few minutes before I finally stopped my sassing and enjoyed a nice little float down the river. I really, truly, honestly love canoeing with Josh. My favorite part is trying to touch the turtles with my paddle, and that is exactly what I was doing as we sailed along, admiring the wildlife, the tree's, the brisk 70 degree weather. As we turned the bend, the skyline of Austin pops into our view and we both take a deep breath, stop and thank Jesus for the life he's placed in our hands.
As Josh and I continue to make our way down the river, closer to the city, we notice the Lamar Pedestrian bridge ahead. We had just dodged some stand-up-surf-board-riders when I noticed a large gathering of people on the Lamar bridge. I thought it was a bit unusual, but it was Austin, so I didn't really think anything of it. I actually though it would make a sweet photo, so I snapped a shot of all the people and said, " Josh look at all of those people, they are all going to be looking at us when we float underneath of the bridge, that's kind of weird." "Yes Em, they are all going to be looking at us..."
I looked back down at my camera, only to look up and find this...


"E M I L Y." It took my eyes a moment to focus... but all too quickly I said, " that says Emily... that says, MY NAME." I turned around to look at the man who gives me warm fuzzies inside and he says, "Yep Em, that says your name." As he points back at the bridge he says, as only Josh can say, " What does that say though???"

And there there they were.... the 4 most insanely crazy scary fun awesome sweet romantic and absoultely breathtaking words one girl could ever read from a canoe... "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" All of our dearest, sweetest friends, from Austin were holding these wonderful signs that had the most beautiful question addressed right to my heart and soul. Immediately... i start giggling. I cannot believe that he did this! Is this really happening? I surely do not deserve such things, and was so blown away by this act of love Josh had shown me I really was speechless. There have been a few times in my life when I didn't know what to say, but this time tops them all. I instantly dropped my head into my hands, I think even into my lap and had to focus on breathing.
Pulling myself together, smiling ear to ear between my jaw dropping, I looked back at Josh. His smile so sweet and innocent, he looked me in the eyes and asked me to be his wife. Still speechless and staring at him, in this canoe, in the middle of a river in downtown Austin, I hear from the bridge, " what'd she say??." I said YES! Of course I said yes. The next few photos will give you a little closer look into our special day. I have had a hard time putting these pictures online because these memories are so personal, and these moments are ones that I will forever cherish and be eternally grateful for. They are so special to me, considering it was absolutely the best day of my life.



As I sit and think about this journey we are about to go on... there is so much joy in my heart I feel as though it could take me away. The last year of living in Austin has been so HARD! I firmly believe that going through a period of life.. of deep sorrow, and true hardship makes you GROW. God has pushed me, and twisted me, and confused me and allowed me to see life for what it really is. I've been scared, sick, mad, confused and panicked. I've missed home, I've cried... I've cried a lot. Through it all, God showed me what it means to push through it, to Trust in Him, to persevere and to not give in to whatever temptation Satan is throwing into my head. The joy that I feel now, is true. It's real. It's joy that surpasses all understanding, peace. Oh sweet peace. If it was something we all had, it wouldn't be worth fighting for.

When I close my eyes, and think of where I am... I can only feel as though I am flat on my face, in complete awe of Jesus, and so so grateful for the storms and struggles that make the sunshine and peace so good.

Thank you to everyone who was a part of this special day, Erik Pacheco- thank you for capturing this moment in our life. It will forever be remembered, and the photos will always help to do that. Thank you thank you thank you.

Our friends on the bridge, and at mary's house! WOW- I'm so blessed to know you and to have you there adding to excitment. Thank you a million times!!!

To our families... we've missed you :) We can't wait to see you. We love you and we pray for you every day!

I hope you have enjoyed this as much as I have. Let the planning begin.


Joshua Thomas Rickard- I really can't wait to be your wife. **
peace.

Rest In Peace Uncle Mart.

I will probably have tears that run straight from my eyes, all the way down my face and then eventually all over my neck after I finish writing this. Sunday February 20, 2011- my great Uncle Marty moved on from this world. He had a stroke, much like the one my grandfather suffered from in 2008. Unfortunately... he didn't make it and it was his time to go. Even as I write those words, I can't help but not get it. Death, that is. I just don't. My prayer is that he is now on the golden shores, face to face with God. My mind can only make so much of it before it completely shuts down and I only see cartoon characters in place of what I was thinking about.

I was reading Cold Tangerines last night before bed, the author Shauna Niequist said this about death, " We can't stand in the way of death, but when it comes, we can stand in its face together, and celebrate life and celebrate family and celebrate having loved fiercely and expressively." Gosh, what a powerful statement. Death sends me into orbit, I mean it just does. I find myself getting overly anxious and almost sick at the though of someone close to me dying. I ask Josh all the time what I will do if he ever dies and I like have kids or something, like oh my goodness, I think I would just shatter to pieces. I think about my parents, they are still so young to me, but someday they too will have to go, and that though shuts me down to the ground. There is no need to even go any further with those thoughts because it just does bad things to my heart. I love though, the idea that death is a time to celebrate life and family. I wasn't able to make it home this week for Uncle Marts funeral. He wasn't my real uncle. He was my family though. I grew up with him, he was like a grandpa to me. My house was about a mile away from the farm that he and Nancy raised their family at, and their grandchildren. Lee is Marty's grandson. We are exactly 17 days apart and he's my brother, we grew up together, took baby baths together, held hands on our way to the first day of kinder garden, we were each others escorts to the Sophomore Sweetheart dance, and we've always been there for each other. It was hard for me not to be there to support my dear friend, and say goodbye to sweet Uncle Mart, but that's life I guess. What warms my heart though, is the report that the funeral home was overwhelmed with people. My mom said, " Emily, I think the whole town of Birch Run was there." Yes, Birch Run is a small town, but when Lee told me people were lined up out the door in a foot of snow and 30 degree weather to pay their respects to this man, I got a tear in my eye. That is really celebrating life, and celebrating relationships and family. Saying goodbye is never easy, but it is easier when people you love are surrounding you and saying good bye with you.

My family is all together right now, all at my sisters house. It kind of feels like something is stabbing me in the heart to know that Josh and I aren't there laughing with them and playing with braylon. I'm not sure why I didn't get to be there, God knew though that I couldn't go. I had a lot of peace once I finally made the decision not to make the trip for 24 hours. For the first time in a long time I knew I made the right decision and although it was really hard, and I really wanted to be there to say goodbye, it felt good to make a decision.

I've been reading a lot. Never enough, but a lot none the less. Almost everything I've been reading is on "hard times," "getting through the darkness," and "suffering." It's hard for me to see life in any other way at this point, just through the eyes of suffering and being completely out of control of anything. Wrong? Yeah... I think it probably is, but I without a doubt just think that is where God has me at- a very humble place of complete surrender. I can feel the hope though, deep down inside, the excitement is bubbling up and for the most part I'm very happy. I still though- am still- being taught what it means to suffer, and be humble and trust God. In an email I sent Josh tonight, I told him how important my family was to me. DUH. I also told him that I think for so long I've found comfort, security and validation in my family, my identity would lay completely in my family. Moving to Austin, starting my own life here and continuing in an amazing relationship here has opened my eyes to the fact that my identity and my comfort should lie in none other that the one who hears my prayers and calms my anxious heart. I wanted to be there this week, with my family, celebrating life and family and loving fiercely and expressively. God had other plans though, and trusting Him in that decision was kind of cool...


I'd give almost anything to go back to the days when I could hop on the four-wheeler with my brother and sister, have the dogs running with us and just head over to Uncle Marty's pond. He'd always be there, always with a smile and always happy to see you. Don't get me wrong, he was grumpy from time to time, but there wasn't a person who didn't love uncle mart. He helped create so many great memories in my child hood. I love you Uncle Marty!!! :'(

I don't have a good title for this one?

So today started out kind of rough. My alarm clock rang at 6:00am. I have to be to work at 8, takes me a solid half hour to get there. I literally hit the snooze every 5 minutes until 7am. This is no joke. I mean that is just so stupid! Why not just get up instead of sleep in 5 minute increments. Long story short, I threw a braid in my hair and could not decide what to wear and ended up putting on these brown leggings and a brown dress- that absolutely did not match, with some camel colored flats for shoes. If I were authoring a fashion blog- I would clearly not have many followers because it was just embarrassing. Anyways, I got over that real quick when I walked into pure stress on the job. It seems like the last 2 weeks have been purely brutal. I always try to go into work with a good attitude. I never make it through the day with one though. I'm not bashing my job, or the company that I am employed by. I simply do not feel one ounce of joy or fulfillment in what I am doing. I think that is important when you spend the majority of your life at this thing called a job. For the moment, I am enduring and being encouraged to hang in there and glorify God while trying to make the best of a not so ideal situation. I am decent at what I do, I make a rookie mistake every now and then but for the most part it's not so tough- it's just stress. So, my prayer is that the Lord would sustain me here and help me to walk out each day with the power of the Holy Spirit and be grateful for the money and benefits I receive in turn for the job I do. I know we all struggle with finding that job that is just right for you- it's tough- to know what you want to do and how you want to spend the majority of your time. I guess I was just under the impression that I would get "the job" and as many of us who just graduated college find out... it's not that simple.

I did drive by this teeny tiny little hair salon while I was picking up dinner for Josh and I. I stopped and stared at it for a moment. Dreamed for a second. It was so cute and chic. I do hope the Lord allows me to be a business owner. I think the idea of having something to call your own, to put your heart and soul into, and to be so full of love for would be incredible. I'd really love that. I believe that everything that we do is to prepare us for something to come. I have no idea what my current job is preparing me for, but... man I'm going to be ready.

It was so nice today in TX I was dreaming about a nice long run all day long. I literally circled the outside of my building three times today just to get some fresh air. Once I was released from my desk...rrr... I got in my car and the minute I got home I put my new running shoes on! I felt great today. I ran for 20 minutes straight- the weather was perfect. The only thing that is kind of stinky is there are so many cars and people out it's hard to find peace like I'm used to while running. Hopefully Josh and I make it down to Town Lake to run soon by the water! On Sunday we run a 5K downtown, which will be our kickoff running event for the year! I'm really excited (for our free shirt ;)).

We had small group tonight. It was just 4 of us, and it was great. I felt like our discussion was very meaningful and we got to really dig deep into some pretty serious questions and ideas about God. It was cool. Robby and Crystal, Josh and I talked a lot of the sovereignty of God and human responsibility- how God sent Jesus to re-unite us (reconcile) with and to him. It's an awesome thing once you really understand it. This led to the discussion of the power of the Holy Spirit. We all want it and want to see it work, but are so comfortable in the "norm" that we don't trust in the Holy Spirits power to do so. I'm very encouraged to call upon the Holy Spirit and to really pray that God would use me and speak to me. I miss the setting where at any time, friends and I could just pray- just stop and pray over each other. My desire is to get back to that here- to be BOLD in the name of Jesus.

I think I'll start now by getting on my knees and praying.

Peace/Love

It's Time

I haven't blogged in so long. Hate it when that happens. So much is going on too.. well nothing really exciting, just stuff. I've been busy, it's been good and bad.

I've been really consumed with wanting to be in prayer more, wanting to literally be on my knees crying out and pleading to God for so many people... so many things.

It's time. Time for life to continue. It's time for this last year of fear, anxiety and angst to be done. I'm over it, and I'm no longer willing to refuse to trust in Jesus. I don't get so much about God, about Jesus about what the Gospel REALLY means, about how the bible was formed and the clarity of scripture. I don't understand why suffering equals love and why death is inevitable, only so we will know Him more and live forever in eternity with God.

Wow. So much I don't understand. I won't leave it at that- no, I will keep seeking, keep reading, keep pursuing. But it is time that I stop sacrificing my peace, joy and stillness for fear and worry.

Thank you for your prayers and for your love- whoever you are.

"And when you cannot stand, He will hold you in his arms" [francisdesales]

Praise God.

em.

Yet I Will Praise You

sdf
I watched this when I woke up this morning. Such a great visual, and great words to the words I want to say to Jesus and the way my heart feels sometimes.


Enjoy...

Grateful...

Life just seems to happen so fast! It seems as thought yesterday was the 1st day of 2011 and now it is almost the 15th day. It's surreal to me how time passes, so slowly yet so quickly. The last blog from me was over Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas it was, I really enjoyed it and felt like it was a great vacation/visit home. Returning to Austin proved to be just fine, back to work and into the swing of things almost immediately. I've since then celebrated my year anniversary of moving to Texas, working at The Art Institute of Austin and I also celebrated my 23rd year!

My birthday was a joy. Josh and I went out for Sushi on Friday and strolled around the city after, talking and makin' plans. Spending time with Josh is one of my favorite things to do. He has turned out to be such a great friend, the best. A while back we decided to change our relationship up a bit, do some things a little differently and push with all of our might to center our relationship of Jesus. We both came through years of difficult relationships and we had had enough. I feel so blessed every day to know that whatever lies ahead, he is always going to point me to Christ and always walk beside me knowing that God is in the lead. I understand that not everyone has that joy in another person, and I am very grateful for God's mercy and grace on me.

Tonight- I got out of work at 5, I fought traffic and picked up my roomie just in time for Happy Hour at FINO. We had some of the most delicious pita bread and spread my mouth has ever experienced. I always enjoy spending time with Mary, and trying new places to eat! She knows the best spots. From there, I came home and freshened up and ran back out the door to go to the movie with Josh. I met him there and we saw, The Dilemma. It was cute, we got some good laughs. Josh laughed more than I did, which is totally cool because he's too cute when he laughs!! What was odd though was that I sat through almost the entire movie, anxious and my chest felt tight. It was driving me nuts. I wanted to cry. "Why do I feel like this!!! Nothing is wrong with me!! I'm totally happy, content and ok!!" As my brain is thinking this, the movie goes on. I continue to ask God for help, for peace for relief. It always comes, as it did. Josh and I get into the car and immediately I have to talk to him about what I feel and what's going on. His words are so sweet to me, and it means so much to know that he cares. He cares enough to listen, and to respond. As I go on and on, tears start to fill my eyes and just these simple words, "everything is ok," as if God himself was speaking right to my face come out of Josh's mouth. The wisdom and confidence in Christ that Josh brings to the table every day is amazing. I need it, and God knows that. God knows that I need the love of my savior, and the peace only He brings-- and I am so happy that he uses the love of my life to help me see that better.

"Unjust suffering is the perfecting of Salvation" Somewhere in Hebrews...[Josh].


As I continue on my quest to better know Jesus, I feel as though I know Him less. Not unusual, and not a surprise to Him. My hope is in Him and it is to keep pressing into the Lord and seeking what I am to learn from all of this. One thing that I do know is that God is faithful, and we are sinners, undeserving- but loved enough to be saved. Don't take it for granted, don't continue to run away from the best thing this life has to offer. Just stop, take a deep breath and receive a fresh new start from the One who created it all, every second of every day.

Everything changes.

Right now, my gold retriever, Lexus is lazily panting on the floor, my sweet baby nephew Braylon is innocently snoring in his pack-and-play he sleeps in at my mom's house, right next to me. I can hear my brother's TV in the room next to me and my door is shut so the light in my room doesn't keep my mom awake across the hall, she has to be up for work. My sister is at home with her husband, sleeping because she too has to work in the morning. My dad is in Tennessee, trying hard to make it home as soon as possible tomorrow. Josh is with his family- joyfully playing Wii with his sister and best friend. Peace- be still.

As I sit here in this bed... and look around me... tears fill my eyes. I've struggled so much with this idea of change. With the fracture that has been placed where my family once was. The idea and virtue of patience is a rather simple one for me, I can wait. Change on the other hand, it terrifies me. It terrifies me so much, that I have been failing to let it happen. I have failed to allow time to do what it does; to shape me, to grow me and to most importantly age me with life. When I was a teenager (not SO long ago) I always wanted to be older. I never understood why people freaked out when they turned 28 or 43. I just though it would be cool to be older. As I continue to get older, I don't necessary have that young naive mindset. I know that getting older, inevitably means change. I change, the people I love change, my family changes, even my dogs change. Easily, I can get stuck here. I can get stuck in this sad place of what was, and what I miss. I can hang on and grip so tightly to the memories that haunt me, the good memories that bring me only tears. I dread the days to come, because I fear that something will be wrong and someone will be hurting, dying or walking the wrong road. I always hear people say, "The only thing that never changes in this life is the fact that everything will keep changing." Huh. So if this is true, which I believe it is, that means if I fight continue fighting this idea of change in my life I will forever be in turmoil, in angst over something that I have absolutely no control over. It's freeing kind of, when I think of it that way.

God designed me to trust him, to praise him, and to obey what his word says. Do I question this? Yes, with the most immature and unknowing mind, and the most yearning heart. There is power in "The Blood"- Freedom in "The Blood." When I think of the current placing of my family at this very moment, it overwhelms me. How are we here? How did it all happen so fast? How does "The Blood" makes us free- how does our little crazy, loud and hysterical family fit into the family of God when we are just messed up sinners, trying to feel something in this life. In this moment, I know deep in my soul that there is a God- the Only God- who made us each so different and unique that we fit together perfectly. That because we are crazy messed up sinners, we are like all of the others in the family of God. Imperfect, undeserving, unworthy- yet LOVED. I don't know how many years ago Jesus was born, or if it was in October or December that he was laid down into a manger with animals all around him. All that I know- and all that I believe is that he was- and he did. He was born- he did in fact live a life of perfection because we are sinners, undeserving- yet hungry for what this Christmas season represents. Christ being born, to come into the world so that our sins could be washed away by The Blood. That's how we fit it, that's how I belong to Jesus.

I don't like change, and I'll avoid it and fight it at all costs. God reminds me that through change and through the darkness, his Glory is here in it and the light on the other side of the dark night is so sweet... The small reminder of this precious baby sleeping next to me, or my little brother punching me so hard in the arm I felt like we were kids again because I was so mad at him--- making Christmas cookies with my mom and sister again. Even though change has stolen some of my most fondest memories, God is making all things new in this family, and in my life. I will praise him with a thankful heart for bringing me this far.

Merry Christmas. Emily.

Let me re-phrase that.

So, like I said last night- normal is a word that I am trying to delete from my vocabulary. I'm reading another book- I have just gotten into it, but I've wanted to read it for a long time. It is called, "Cold Tangerines," by Shauna Niequist. This book is " about celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life." I think with the hustle and bustle of working and studying and kids and dinner and every other thing that goes on, we start to not appreciate and enjoy the things that keep us so busy. I really hope to find that in this book, the encouragement one needs to enjoy and appreciate the things that happen each day. Instead of living in yesterday or for tomorrow- I want to live right now. I want to handle every situation with grace, and a smile...

I didn't mean for my last blog to be a sob fest, and make anyone who read it think that I've had it and I'm done. Not the case. Every day is a different adventure. Everyday, God gives me grace, and I either choose to accept it or I pick back up what I laid down at his feet the night before and in those days I find myself lost. Being able to lay it all down and leave it there is a talent, I have yet to acquire.

Saturday we leave for Michigan! I'm so excited to go home. It's been almost three months! Holy smokes. I can't believe it. I feel like Grant will be 3 feet taller and Braylon is going to be talking. Where does the time go? Another reminder that God gave us life, to love him, love people- and enjoy the blessings he has given us. I think the spirit of Gratitude can get us a long way.

Thanks for playing!

Normal.

A question I frequently ask Josh is, "when am I going to just feel normal again." He is always quick to reply, " when you stop trying to define what normal means."

In one week, I will be back in the place where I was a year ago. Back in the place where I packed everything I had, stuffed it in the Alero that I still drive, and hit the road to Texas. I can't believe a year has gone by. I find myself still waiting to feel normal, or waiting to feel like I thought I was going to feel by now. Waiting to be that person I thought I was going to be by now. Here's the thing- that person is me. It's whoever I am right now. It's the person who is writing this, who is sitting here with a ton of bricks on her chest for no real reason, the person who stubbed her toe on the footstool in the living room and found herself laying on the floor sobbing because not only did my toe hurt... but I still don't feel normal.

It's frightening thing... growing up. It was so much easier when I could at least pretend like I had it all together. When my dreams were all laid out in front of me, the ones I never thought would get here and now they are here. I don't think it's coincidence that each night the devotional book I read is referring to hard time, talking about being in a weird dark place, or talking about struggling. Today it said, " don't give up," "don't be afraid." Those are words I needed to hear. Wherever you are on this journey, whether it's super awesome, or super hard... just don't give up. Some days I want to...most days, as a matter of fact, it would be easier it seems. Here is something I can't understand, but know to be true. God's "plan" isn't just for our lives individually- it's for a whole universe. I honestly don't even know what that means, but it is a lot more than just my life. Rest in the fact that the plan goes beyond your lifetime, and beyond my lifetime. I just pray that my role is significant, and that God will tell me well done.

Rest in the Peace of the Holy Spirit tonight--- I'll try.

looking back.

I should totally be doing my homework right now. I'm enrolled in an online MBA program and my employer is paying for it. It's amazing how meaningless it is when it is not your money. Not to mention the fact I have no idea what I am doing or talking about half the time. Anyways- that has nothing to do with anything, I just don't want to do it. Bad me.


A few nights ago a person that I went to high school with randomly IM'd me on Facebook. I typically don't chat on there because I feel guilty for how much time I spend on there in the first place. This person was one I didn't know well in high school, but I most definitely knew this person existed, who their family was, where they lived and all of that general information. In high school though, I was just as self-conscious as the next person and I didn't think that people always wanted to talk to me, I didn't even think that anyone really liked me. This person was expressing to me how they were surprised that I even knew they existed and said that because of the people I was associated with, I couldn't possibly care about this persons life or feelings. Man. That hit me deep. In high school I guess I was a part of that so called " popular" crowd- OMG I hate that I even just put myself in that category, or that that category even exists. The funny part is, the girls in that social network hated me, and did everything possible to make my life miserable. People didn't know it and probably still don't but wow, I was so lost and I just wanted to be liked like everyone else. I knew I believed in Jesus and I knew that being 'popular' did not matter at all. I wanted to, and I know this sounds so cliche', but I wanted to be friends with everyone. I remember thinking that the friends that I had in choir class where the friends I wish I had outside of choir. Those girls were so cool and they were actually good friends to each other. If you read this- you know who you are. Anyways, the whole point to this is that in high school we don't know anything. We don't know how hard life really is and we don't know that what we say, do and how we look at people can hurt them and affect them for the rest of their lives. The Wreckers, a country band, sings a song called "Stand Still Look Pretty." In high school this was my anthem. I struggled deeply with depression. I cried myself to sleep probably every night. This person probably never would have thought that because I was an athlete, the Homecoming Queen and voted "Best Dressed" our senior year. This song says basically that you can't tell whats going on inside, my iron smile made it impossible for people to understand that just because I was an athlete and did my hair pretty and wore too much make-up didn't mean that my life was better. I guess the whole point of this is so that people know, any age, that you really cannot judge a book by it's cover. Maybe this person felt like I didn't care about them in High School, and that is terrible, I should have said Hi, I should have asked them how their day was going I should I have said something. I was young and stupid. I'm old enough now, and high school was long ago enough now to understand that we all have been through something different. Each person I went to High School with had a different high school experience. I hated high school. You couldn't pay me enough money to go back. But I guess I just wish that I could go back and hang out with those people who I didn't hang out with, and love the ones who have to this day never felt one ounce of love anywhere. It really grinds me gears to know that I missed my chance, I missed my chance to love and to allow Jesus to shine through my every word and action. That's what I'm here for. To love, to talk and listen, to sacrifice and serve. Gosh, why can't I just get that through my head.

My prayer tonight is that all of those people who I didn't smile at, or didn't talk to - all of the people who I didn't express any interest towards because my own bad decisions were consuming my life- I pray that they would feel love and that they would sense God's presence and desire for them. Gosh, I just want to be so real. Jesus knows us better than we know ourselves, take a minute today to tell the outcast around you that you like their shoes, or bring them a cup of coffee or something- just notice them. You never know who's life God will allow you to change for the kingdom.

Bloom where you're planted

Good morning! Yes, it is morning and I am blogging in bed! On Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't have to go into work until 11am. Sometimes I love it- sometimes I don't love it. Today, I kind of like it because I finally felt good enough to just lay in bed and be lazy. I haven't been able to do that for so long. I kept thinking that I needed to get up and go for a run or read all of my bible or the two books I am trying to finish that I carry with me everywhere I go. Instead, I just laid here. Dozed in and out of sleep and caught myself praying for certain things. I've been really challenged with God, prayer, faithfulness and hope- and what that all means recently and it bothered me so much I couldn't relax. It has finally occurred to me that it isn't a bad thing for me to be wrestling with these things. It's okay, the answers just don't come as easy and and as freely as they used to.
Yesterday, God kind showed me in an indirect way how he was providing for me and he was in charge of my every step. About two months ago I was offered a new position at the school/company I work for in a different department than I was currently in. I accepted the position and have been enjoying it. The old position that I left, was eliminated as of yesterday. I would be out of a job right now. God was so gracious to me and protected me from that stress and chaos before it even happened. My heart was really heavy yesterday for my co-workers who had the bear that hard news, and I hope for them all the best. I have been quick to fear and doubt and this has shown me that God's will in my life is for good.
It was chilly in Austin yesterday! It made me feel like I was home, and it was fall. I wasn't home though, I was here in Austin. This past month I have been working really hard to live in Austin. God has planted me here. I need to bloom. I need to grow. I want to love it here. God why is it so far away from my family? I get scared that I will never live near them again and that all of my love for them doesn't matter any more- because it's my lot in life to live far. I don't care how many people do it or like to do it, I don't like it. I don't want to live overseas or across the country. If that is what God has for me- I will do it and I'm sure it will be great. My prayer is that at some point I will be in driving distance from my family again. I hope it's not a selfish prayer- that has all of the wrong intentions. I desire for my family to know Jesus and understand what it means to fear the Lord and desire eternity with him. I want to see it and be a part of it, not just hear about life through the phone. Sometimes Josh and I can't seem to see this in the same way. He will go anywhere. Live anywhere. Do anything. He has an adventurous soul. He wants to leave a footprint and touch the lives of many. I do too, but I still want to be able to hug my parents and hang out with my sister and bro. I know I worry too much about the future, it just seems so short sometimes. This- is why I struggle to bloom here. So this is my shot today, to wake up and smell the fresh 70 degree air outside- TRUST GOD and just be here, live here, grow here, bloom here- where God has planted me.

the ugly truth.

It really has been since August since I've last blogged. Apparently everything that has been necessary to write down has been in the journal that sits by my bed. All things in which you probably would not want to know anyways.

Last time I was here, Grant was hittin' the field for his 1st Varsity football game. That day came and went, and I was able to watch him play on Homecoming. Josh and I flew home October 7,8,9,10 and got to hang out with family all weekend. We spent time at his parents and a lot of time with my mom, abby, braylon and grant. Being home in Michigan for fall was awesome, the colors of the trees made me never want to leave, and the weather was enough to take my breath away. I could sit in my moms front yard all day and be perfectly content. I don't know what it is, but I find some kind of peace there. Watching Braylon play and the dogs lay in the yard, and just being on the front steps seems to feel really good. I know I won't be saying this when all of that snow comes, but I think I'll even miss that a little.

I have a devotional book that I read out of every night before I go to bed. It's called, Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. If you are looking for a good one, I highly recommend this. It's awesome and every night I read it, God speaks to me and I find myself nodding my head. Unfortunately, I have really been struggling in my faith recently. The ups and downs of life have gotten me into a bad frame of mind, and God is allowing this time of struggle in my life. I shared a bit of my testimony with a small group of people at church this morning, and I was reminded of how much I have been through as a 22 year old. Not that much compared to probably most people in the world, but to me it was a lot. Looking back now, life is/should be good. For some reason though, now is when my faith is tested to the limit. Now is when doubt, fear, anxiety and bitterness have latched on and won't let go. The Word says that we will face trials of many kinds, we will be persecuted and pushed to the limit. I, in my head, thought that my limit had come and gone. How much more could I take? Moving to Austin was exciting, an adventure, and the next big thing in my life. My love was here, and I felt like God had more for me to do here than he did anywhere else.

Moving right along, the devotion I read tonight was delightful. I'm doubting God left and right, I'm finding myself in tears because I am literally just scared of everything and I am becoming frustrated, bitter and angry and I have no idea why. Clearly, I want this to stop. So, reading, listening, writing in my journal, counseling and constatnely praying for Gods voice, or presence or something- ANYTHING! Day by day I have just been learning perseverance and patients. So often, I don't feel better, I don't feel healed.

"We should never give ourselves the freedom to doubt God or his eternal love and faithfulness towards us in everything."

"Then as we stand firm, refusing to doubt, the Holy Spirit will come to your aid giving us the faith of God and crowing us with His victory."

Let us "count it all joy" when we cannot feel one emotion of happiness. Let us rejoice by faith, by resolution, by reckoning, and we shall surely find that God will make the reckoning real. --Selected


the end.

I never knew the day would come...

Tomorrow will be Grant's first Varsity Football game.

I have a lot of mixed emotions and feelings about this. Since before I can remember, going to watch Grant play sports of any kind has been such a joy to me. I loved going with my parents to baseball or basketball tournaments, and I loved watching Grant play football- even when he was so young and such a baby!!! Through out college, I would go home every possible chance (every week) during football season to watch this kid play football. I was always, and still am, SO proud of him.

I have been trying to prepare myself for tomorrow for a long time. I don't think anyone really understands how bad I want to be there. Like- I would have done anything to be there. Why though, does God allow that to not happen? It doesn't seem like there is a very good reason for it- but there has to be. God is using this, or will use this to teach me something or grow a different part of me.

I'll probably cry tomorrow, like I did today and the day before, just thinking about all the games I have watched Grant play, and now.. his big Varsity debut... I miss. Geez- I sound pretty depressing don't I? It's very hard for me not to be there. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understandings, in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will keep your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. I need to do this. My faith is so weak and little. I know what is truth, but I struggle to live it. I know what is life, but I struggle to find it. I know where my help comes from... I just have to let it.

I know tomorrow night at 7pm when Grant marches out there on the field in Blue and Gold withe the rest of the Birch Run Panthers, a new era begins in his life. I did get the privilege to drop him off a football camp this last time I was home. I know it sounds crazy- and I'm not his mom- but it felt like I had just let one of my own go! I cried rather heavily as I drove away recounting all of the times I dropped him off to football practice every summer in years past.

My brother and sister are my best friends. There is not anything that has ever come between us. We have been through thick and thin, through the best of times and the worst of times and we are still standing. I am so thankful and so blessed to be called their sister- and I hope they know every day, no matter how far away from them I am- how deeply I love them.

I always wondered where I would be when Grant started playing Varsity football. I never thought I'd miss it. I never thought I'd be here. I never knew the day would come... but it's here!

Grant- #20! I'm so proud of you and I can't wait to see you play. I love you so much!

8 Months ago today..

Today was Wednesday. I did something kind of funny today. I went on a tour of a hair school [[Regency Beauty Institute]]. AGAIN. I've been to several different hair schools and visited. Each one I feel as though I was meant to be there. It's really interesting because at this point it seems nearly impossible to do? I've wanted to do hair since I was in high school. God has ordained my steps though. If I would have went to Cosmetology school and skipped out on SAU, I wouldn't be where I am today. I would have missed out on the experience that I consider the best days of my life. Anyways, I walked out of there confident that I will do hair some day, I just don't know when.

I was able to tour the school before work this morning because Wednesday's are days when I work from 11am -8pm. SICK. I hate working those hours. I seriously think I am going to go crazy when I'm there that late some time. One new development since the last blog post... I got a new job! Starting September 7, 2010 I will be a Financial Aid Officer for The Art Institute of Austin. I'm pretty excited about it. It's a new challenge, something to get my wheels turning again in my mind.

Tomorrow marks 8 months from the day I pulled out of my moms driveway and left for Texas. I can still see her, Braylon and Grant in the review mirrors. As hard as that is to think about, I know it was the right decision. I forget so often how the Lord brought me here. I forget that God is never going to bring me to a place and just leave me there. When I was at camp this last month, my cousin Kelly encouraged me to, " grow where you are planted." I have had a hard time forgetting that. God has planted me in Austin, Texas with Josh Rickard. We are surrounded by people who love us, care about us, and who would do anything for us. I feel so guilty because I have been so unfaithful in doubting that God has a plan for me, for my life and for my future with Josh and my family.

I have a busy weekend coming up, and a lot to look forward too. This weekend is jam packed with a night out downtown with Josh for a going away party :), working all day Saturday and catching up with a great mentor and friend Jenn, and then church and Chelsea's lingerie shower on Sunday [[which I am cooking all of the food for... YIKES]].

A week from tomorrow- Abby and Braylon fly in!! Wow- I can say that my level of excitement is through the roof. I am so excited to have them all to myself.

I'm so blessed, and my prayer is that I would not forget that. That we would all count our blessings and know that our life is to be lived for the Glory of God, and everything else will fall into place... it always does.

xO. Em

time will rob you blind.

It is indeed that time of year. Wedding bells are ringing and girls all over the country are putting on their big white dresses and walking down the aisle starting a whole new journey in life. Tomorrow one of my best friends from my childhood is getting married. My sister and I are in the wedding. This is the first one of my "good friends" other than my sister and a friend from college that has gotten married. As I sit here the night before her wedding- I can't help but think of all of the memories we have together. All of the times we (Becky and I) would drive around in her car or mine, or walk to each others house or ride fourwheelers together. We were neighbors (about a mile apart) and spent a lot of time together growing up. I never realized that a day would come when both of us would get married. When we would stop being our daddy's little girls. I had this same reality hit me when my sister got married. Marriage is a big thing. The older I get, the more I realize that it's not just a fairy tail. That it is not just about the wedding- but it's about the marriage that comes after the wedding. I hope nothing but the best for Becky and Vince, and I pray that God would lead them in a direction ending in His arms.

Of course, since I am in this wedding, I am home in Michigan again. Last week I was home for Simpson Park Camp for about 5 days. It was nice to be at my moms for a while and then to get to spend some time in Romeo, MI with the other half of the family. As you can imagine, 2 trips from Texas to Michigan in the last week have been a bit tiring. I love it though. I really needed this time to be with my family and be "home" for a while. Austin is becoming more and more like "my" home- but it will never be home. Coming to Birch Run and being around my family and just in the cool Michigan weather is a unmistakable feeling that nothing can replace. I feel as though for the first time in a long time, I enjoy being here. As I sit here and watch Grant playing video games in his room-- I am reminded again at how much time has passed. I feel like I'm 18 still- but then that would make him 10 and we all know that he is not 10. He is 5'8 and solid muscle weighing in at 130lbs- ON VARSITY FOOTBALL. My word- wasn't he just learning how to ride a bike in our front yard while I laid on the grass trying to figure out what the clouds looked like that day? More recently- it has scared me how quickly the time goes. For so long I "couldn't wait" for so many things. I am not at the point where I just want to slow it all down. If you know me, you know I would never say something like that. Every day though, I have to face the reality that life is going to keep going. Things are going to keep changing and I, as well as everyone around me, is going to keep getting older. It can be fun though-- I just have to let it be!

Tomorrow is the big day for Becky. Makes me wonder what it will feel like when it's my big day. Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves though- I think I'll just go finish my homework for now. ;) Pictures of Becky's wedding- to come!

Have a great weekend- whoever you are.

peace.

You're ok.

psalms 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

If you read this- I hope you are encouraged. I feel as though many of my friends and family, myself included, are in the midst of troubled times. This verse has been my glue- the words, inspired by God, to hold me together. I'm often presented with the idea that we as human beings "can't do this anymore." Awesome, but not true. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. You can't wake up another day, to face another hard miserable day? You can. The relationship that Christ wants to have with you is an intimate one. Every morning- ask God for his hand in the day. Knowing that we don't have to rely only on ourselves for anything is something hard to grasp. It's cool though, because if you let it happen and you trust in the word of the Lord, the hard times will still be there... but your holding the hand of Jesus this time- and you're ok.

Job 23:10

"He knows the way that I take, when He has tested me, I will come out like Gold."

It's a good thing that God see's us through our storms. Sometimes I forget. More recently I have just not been able to understand. With a lack of understanding comes a lack of control- and I really hate that. Who doesn't though, right? After living in Texas for about 6.5 months, I think God is totally making me new, and allowing me to see life from a different set of eyes. I've realized more in the last month or two than I have probably in my whole life. It's almost like I've had a mid-life/quarter life crisis and epiphany all at the same time. I'm at a place where God is doing awesome things, and performing miracles in my life daily- but I have felt to consumed with reality and fear to notice. I have been praying to God for help and for comfort, when all along I just had to believe. I think I was/am having a difficult time with that because I don't understand. Faith- believing in what you do not see- in what you do not understand. God did not ask me to understand. He asked me to have faith. Sometimes, I feel as though my fear and anxiety literally takes over my life. The point that it got to recently, really showed me how much I rely on myself and other people way to much- and I don't rely on God nearly enough. Talking with Mary last night, we both came to the conclusion that it was almost like God was saying, " You say that you believe in me and that you believe in what I can do- but do you really?" Ouch. I just moved out of my apartment that I was living in by myself, in with one of my close friends here in Austin, Mary. It has honestly been such a blessing, even in the 3 days i've been here. God knew that I needed to live with someone, and he provided a girl take over my lease within a matter of minutes of my asking. Amazing. The move was smooth, and although I am not unpacked, I feel great about being here. It is hard when you go from having 6 roommates to 0. Even in the storms, and the confusion, God has provided for me. Mary has said numerous times that the one thing getting her through lifes storm right now is the ways that "God has shown up- in big and small ways." She is dead on. As I am getting a bit older now, God is teaching me about myself and about who I am moving forward. God is teaching me who He really is- and although it's going to be beautiful- it's not easy. Psalm 121- I life my eyes to the hills- my help comes from the Lord.

It's been so long...

I feel like it has been forever since I last wrote my thoughts down in the form of a blog. Sorry. Why is it that when you feel like you are on the right track, you get knocked down again? I think everyone has experienced that a time or two.

Lately, I have just been out of it! I was kind of sick over the weekend, headache, stomach hurts, cold, little fever maybe? Just out of it. The weekend was so busy, I barely remember it. Lets see.. there was, a wedding, the pool, a reception, some UFC, fireworks, church, dinner, drinks, friends... lots of stuff. Needless to say, I was on the same page as the rest of the world when I had to go back to work today.

So like I said a while ago, I've been wrestling with some anxiety issues and just basic growing pains. I find myself often wondering how I got to the place where I am. When I grew up, when I didn't live at home anymore, when I was done with high school, and now college. It just all happened so fast! I guess what I have been learning more than anything, is that sometimes nothing makes sense. Even though it seems like it should- it just doesn't. I see so much tragedy and brokenness around me, everywhere I go, we all do. None of it makes sense, but that doesn't take God off of His throne. It is not comforting to know that life is always going to change, something is always going to go wrong and something will always be hard. The comfort that we must run after is the promise God gave us. Why is this so hard for me to hang onto? Through all of these emotions that have been surfacing recently, that is what God is teaching me. To hang onto Him- even when I can't see him, I don't feel him, I can't hear him. He's real, and saving my life daily.

It still doesn't make sense, but knowing that God knows my life and whats ahead is all that I should need anyways. So I'm going with it, with all of my heart. "Trust in the Lord with All of your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr